Does Anyone Else Understand What I'm Talking About?

I had one of my epiphanies today that have been coming every so often as I go through this weight loss/finding myself process. I was standing in front of my mirror, putting on lipgloss, and I happened to glance over at a picture of Berkeley Jen and me that I have sitting on my dresser. I did a double take, almost thinking "Who is that?" It was me. It was me 4 years ago. With the round face and the double chin and the boyfriend who I felt like crap with.

I don't know her anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my face is no longer round and that I have to practically pull my chin all the way into my neck to get the semblance of a double chin. I saw that I stand up straighter and that my eyes are clearer and more content. And I started to cry.

Good tears, mind you. Tears of joy that I'm not her anymore and that I'm finding out who I really am and feeling happy with the results.

I walked down the hall and grabbed my Tucson and Chicago photo albums off the shelf and took them back to my room. I poured over them for almost an hour, taking in the details of how I used to look and noticing when I started gaining weight and remembering what was going on. My junior year of college I dated this guy who was very very skinny and I always felt kind of awkward next to him, thinking we must look kind of strange together. Looking at the pictures of us now, I can see that it was all in my head. We look fine together. Mostly because even though I wasn't skinny, I was swimming and toned and looked healthy.

In the Chicago album I looked at some of the pictures of me and my ex. This is the ex whose memory has haunted me for the two years since he broke up with me and the one year since he got married. Many many many of my Boston friends have heard the saga of the ex. I looked at the pictures and didn't see me in them anymore. I saw who I was when I was with him - someone who I feel kind of sad for and who I don't want to be. And I looked at him standing next to me and just thought, "Wow, that's weird that we were together." Usually there's some twinge, some pain, some longing when I look at pictures of him. Today I didn't feel that. It seemed very odd to think that I was with him.

I know this sounds like it's all about the weight, but it isn't. I love that I'm losing weight and becoming more fit, but that's just a by-product. It wouldn't mean as much if I wasn't feeling so content with myself in general. Because I'm making changes with who I am and the manner in which I want to live my life, it's showing on the outside.

I used to be a happy person, but I think I was happy for different reasons. I was happy because I wanted to be pleasant and I wanted people to like me. Now I feel happy because I'm honestly happy. Some days I leave the apartment and feel like there must be rays shooting out of my hair and my fingertips because I feel so up.

I think there are a lot of factors playing into why I'm feeling so emotional about this today: the Bar, PMS, the fact that despite going to bed at 1 AM, my body still woke me up at 6:40 this morning. But what it all comes down to is, I'm happy. I'm happy I'm not where I was or who I was 3 and 4 years ago - and, honestly, even just 1 year ago. I'm glad I got myself back, and then some. I'm glad I'm the type of person who can make people laugh and who my friends seem to enjoy being around. But more importantly, I'm glad that I'm the kind of person I want to be around.