Advice for the Lovelorn

I have determined that I'm not very good with this whole long-distance relationship thing. To which the boy replied, "No one is. That's why they never work out."

Um, k.

Despite that optimistic assessment, apparently we're still on.

I am a worrier by nature - at least lately I am. Have I always been like this? Well, I've always been a planner and worrying when the plan doesn't go right probably just comes with the territory. I feel like I have a lot to worry about right now. The planner part of me is pulling her hair out because nothing - NOTHING - is settled at all in my life.

The job: I'm grateful that I have this temp paralegal job, but even with overtime it's just paying enough for me to get by. My boss asked if I could stay into December, which is a good thing, but I don't really know how far into December and then what comes after that. I'm networking, and wonder when that will show fruit. I'm going to do another resume dump, and expect many "thanks, but no thanks" letters in return. I get excited and positive about every new lead and every possible opportunity, only to be disappointed in the end.

I'm excited about the prospect of working in DC, but also wonder how long I should wait before getting in contact with people in Boston and feeling out the job scene there. I wonder if going back to Boston eventually is the right thing for me to do.

Money: debt sucks. I want to get out of debt. In order to do that, I have to be making enough to pay more than minimum payments on things. That's not happening right now.

Religion: the whole job category kind of plays into this because I am confused about feelings I had in the Spring about moving to DC and how things aren't working out here in any way. Plus meeting the boy right before I left Boston kind of threw a wrench into the whole DC plan. A good wrench, but a wrench nonetheless. I go to church and feel annoyed at hearing the same old platitudes over and over. I pray and feel like I'm praying to a brick wall. I feel closed off and sad and confused. I feel snippets of the Spirit, but nothing really sustains me.

The Bar: this is my new worry. Over the past couple of months I've had moments of, "I totally failed the Bar!" but I've been able to squelch them and continue to obsess about the job situation without thinking about the Bar playing into it eventually. However, Bar results come out in November and the nightmares have started. One of them had me passing the Bar, but then the Board of Bar Overseers handed me a box full of random things and told me I had two hours to deliver them to various people or they would retract my Bar pass.

When I think about it, I honestly have no idea how I did. I went to a good law school and came out somewhere in the middle of my class, so I'm going to hope that is some sort of indication that I had at least an average chance of passing. But I don't know. And I don't know what I'll do if I don't pass because I don't have the money or the time to study and take it again.

The boy: can you really know how you feel about someone after a two-month, long-distance relationship and a total of something like 17 days together despite an amazing instant connection? Is it possible to be thinking about making big drastic changes after so little time?

The practical side of me is stepping in and pushing the romantic, gung-ho Kelly to the side. She was the one who wanted to leap right into this as soon as possible. But now I feel myself being cautious and wary. I think that I should move back to Boston if/when things are more definite between us, but then I also hate being away from him and not being able to act like a normal couple. The days we spend together are fun and I like doing everyday things with him. Then I come back to DC or he goes back to Boston and it's back to phone calls with long silences. We don't really have long silences when we're together. The phone just feels awkward when all I want is to be sitting next to him, talking to him casually, not thinking about how our time together will be over the next day, and I don't see a clear time in the future when that will happen. Everything is so vague and shadowy. Part of the vagueness is me wondering whether moving back to Boston is something that is really going to happen in the future.

Plus, I worry that my incessant worrying is just going to wear him down and he's going to decide it's just not worth all the hassle. Seriously, I'd be tired of me by now.

I think maybe if something felt secure right now I'd be a little less tense and fearful about everything all at once. That's what it is really. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I won't pass the Bar. I'm afraid I'll never get a real job as an attorney, or at least something that uses my degree, and will be a temp paralegal for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that my money stack of cards is going to come crashing down on me. I'm afraid that things won't work out with the boy. I think I'm also afraid to let myself fall into this relationship completely because...well, because of a bunch of things. And I'm sure he can feel that.

Go Sox!!!!

Be they red or white.

I lived in Chicago for 3 years (and my parents still live there), and I lived in Boston for 3 years, so I claim an affinity to sox of all colors. Especially since the first baseball game I went to was at Comiskey Park (yes, I know it's not called that anymore, but I refuse to give into the corporate branding). When the White Sox beat the Red Sox, I remember thinking how awesome it would be if the White Sox won the whole thing.

And how cool is this? I was listening to NPR on my drive into work and they had a comment from one of my professors in grad school. He taught a Chicago lit course that was so fascinating (and I have to recommend One More Time, a collection of columns by Mike Royko, a very wise and very funny Chicago columnist who passed away several years ago).

I Am Frightfully Boring

I am a neglectful blogger (which for me translates into not posting every day). I've been sick and then in Boston and then sick again and working overtime. And basically my life is kind of dull right now since I go to work, come home, look around my family room and bedroom thinking how good it would feel if they were actually clean, cough a few times, and collapse on my couch exhausted.

I think I need to stop staying up so late.

I think I need to do more for my job search. I have this paralegal job now and it's paying enough for me to live (well, until the student loans come due) and I have access to a bunch of overtime hours. Plus, traffic sucks (I'm commuting. So happy I made a point to live where I could access the Metro easily. Good thing it's a temp job) at 5:30 when I technically get off so I've just been staying until 6 or 6:30 when traffic is a smidge better. So basically I leave my house at 8 and I'm getting home at 7:00 at the earliest and all I want to do is watch whatever episodes of As Time Goes By and The Simpsons got Tivo'd that day.

I had a networking phone call yesterday and another today. Both people had good thoughts, per usual, but don't personally know of any jobs, per usual. But I have several more people to contact now. My networking spreadsheet is becoming huge.

I think my body needs to stop being a pansy and get well already! I thought I was on the road to recovery, but I think I caught another bug over the weekend. It's never a good thing to wake up, try to inhale through your mouth, and realize you can't breathe. That happened this morning actually.

Here's a picture of me and the boy during the apple picking excursion, pixelated a la America's Most Wanted to protect the innocent. We really do look cute together, even if you can't tell.

Well That Was Nice

I was in Boston this past weekend again. (And if you're thinking you didn't see me, it's because you didn't. I went to a family ward. Babies, babies everywhere!) I saw a couple of my friends who have graduated from the singles ward and are now in this particular family ward. One of them made a comment when she saw me about how great I look and how thin I look in the face. I was shocked. I suppose my clothes aren't really tighter, but I haven't worked out regularly for 3 months and my diet plan of late has been "It's my birthday!" "It's Autumn!" "It's Halloween!" and next month will be "It's the boy's birthday!" "It's Thanksgiving!" and then Christmas and so on. Plus I'm now living with the Baking Queen and Princess Brownie, so the fact that I haven't ballooned up to my prior weight plus some is a freaking miracle. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to be stressed out all the time.

Question of the Day

How do you tell a 13 year-old to go away without being mean?

A couple of weeks ago I started getting random IMs from someone whose name I didn't recognize. I never answer those so I just ignored them. Finally, the person became persistent and IMed me saying "hey" again and then asking is I had someone's email address.

I responded and asked who it was and she gave me her name. She said, "Kelsey?"

"No, this is Kelly. I don't think you know me."

Then she asked me if I went to some school and knew a couple of different people. I said, "No, I don't go to that school," and she asked if I went to some other school. Judging by the amount of u's and l8r and terms like that, I was prompted to ask this girl how old she was. 13.

I once again told her that I wasn't who she thought she was, I didn't go to her school, and added that I was much older than her.

Her response: "Oh."

{Pause}

"Can we talk anyway?"

My gut response to that was, Wha?!

What I actually typed was, "No, I don't think so."

Then she wrote, "Oh. OK. Sorry."

I told her she had no reason to apologize, but that I am 29 and not who she thought I was so I would be saying good-bye. She then said something about us talking anyway and I finally said I was going to leave soon and closed my little IM eyeball so she couldn't see me.

Now this girl has just IMed me again. I'm just ignoring her because she either doesn't believe that I'm not who she thinks I am or for some absurd reason thinks I'm a 13 year-old girl who wants to chat with her and maybe go to the mall and talk about boys.

Of course I've also thought that "she" is an undercover agent looking for the pedophiles. Go away, undercover agent. I am obviously not interested in talking to 13 year-old girls. But kudos for the good work and I hope you catch some creeps.

Happy Anniversary!

I just want to say

HAPPY 30TH ANNIVERSARY!!!!

to my parents. And for those of you who remember the 29 post from last week, yes, I was born 8 days before my parents' first anniversary. They didn't waste any time.

I am a bad daughter and don't remember if their anniversary trip is actually this week, but I think even as I type they are recreating their honeymoon magic at Disneyworld. Rock on, PUs! Love you!

The Faire

There are many reasons I have always quietly giggled at the Renaissance Fair crowd.

For example:

And:

And yet again:

As the day wore on, though, seeing wenches and Vikings became commonplace.

However, the chain mail lingerie definitely gave me pause:

I didn't take a picture of it, but there was also a HUGE gold codpiece with a chain thong over the bum. And wonderfully enough, we later happened upon a man WEARING a silver one over his black tights. As he chatted with his 5 year-old daughter. Yeah, you wanna talk about scarring a child...

I discovered that I am very susceptible to hypnosis, which is probably a fact I shouldn't be waving about the internet. Come on! Hynotize me! I dare you! The hypnotist who performed at "The Globe" said first thing that people who have a tendency toward sleepwalking can generally be hypnotized pretty easily. Well, I definitely used to do that. Maybe I still do, but I haven't had anyone around in the wee small hours in several years to tell me whether I do or not.

Then he had us do a couple of tests. The first was to hold our arms out in front of us, fists clenched, with our eyes closed. He then told us to imagine the left arm was being weighted down by heavy weights, while the right arm was being lifted up by a helium balloon, and so on. When I opened my eyes a couple of minutes later, my left arm was about six inches lower and my right arm six inches higher than they had been when he started talking.

For the second test, we held our right arm out, fist clinched, and looked at the fist, while he told us to tighten the fist and envision that as we tightened it our arms became hard as rock and we couldn't bend it if we tried. Well, my arm kind of flinched a little, but I literally could not bend it. That completely freaked me out. Two of the girls I was with tried to get me to go up on stage, but I was plenty freaked out by the little head trip he'd just played on me, there was no way I was getting up on stage so everyone could see me cluck like a chicken or whatever.

Still, it's an interesting fact to know about oneself that one can be easily hypnotized.

It was at the joust that I finally heard the word I'd been dreading all day. "Huzzah!" {shudder}

And then, as I mentioned previously, I caved. Give me some burgundy velvet and a chance to feel pretty and I'm all over that.

How's About Some Flowers?

I went to a Renaissance Fair yesterday, despite being morally opposed to them for most of my life. I figured, what the heck, it's an experience, right? I have some excellent pictures. And, I must confess, I got sucked in a bit and bought a hat/headpiece thing. I don't know what you'd call it. It's a burgundy velvet headband with a crocheted thing to hold my hair in the back. Drew Barrymore wears one in Ever After when she imitates a courtesan and buys back the servant. It's pretty. And my ultimate plan is to someday get a dress that matches and then have a Halloween costume forever. This is a long-term plan, mind you.

I will post about the Fair tomorrow complete with pictures, but right now I'm tired and feeling kind of sick. My cold has become this general head-achey, coughy, stomach queasy thing that's really annoying me. I am the worst patient ever. I get so annoyed with my body for letting me down the once or twice a year that it does. I also get annoyed with just laying on the couch and watching TV for too long. I had great plans to clean my room and the family room today after church, and not only did I not make it to church, but the rooms are still messy and the couch has been a makeshift bed as I watched Seasons 1 and 2 of As Time Goes By and napped throughout the day. So unproductive of me! But I figured since I did browbeat my body into hauling me around the Fair yesterday I should give it a break today so that I can be in top form for starting my new job tomorrow.



So today I'm giving you pictures of dahlias, which after seeing one in a magazine this weekend, I've decided is probably my new favorite flower (or one of my favorite flowers at least). There was a garden in Santa Cruz when I was there in August that was just filled to the brim with dahlias. So here you go:

Autumn Recipes

For those who are curious, here are the recipes for the food that I made while the boy was here last weekend:

Cider-Roasted Chicken
(This is from Cooking Light, but I would have to subscribe in order to access it on their website so I found it somewhere else. But I wanted to give them credit)

Apple-Cranberry Cobbler

And then the Sweet Potato Fries, which are wicked easy. Wash and slice a couple of sweet potatoes into fry-shaped slices. Rub with olive oil (I just pour some olive oil into my hands and smear it on the sweet potatoes). Sprinkle with a liberal amount of salt and a little bit of pepper. Bake in 350 degrees for about 30 minutes, or until they are the firmness you want in a fry when you poke them with a fork.

The Birthday Continues

Last night was the conclusion of my birthday extravaganza. My roommates and another friend took me out for dinner.

My roommates:

Me and Sarah:
We went to an Indian place in Old Town. No one could remember the name of the place, but they knew it was on King Street, on the left. My guess was that it would be Taj or Raja something and Kristina thought that there was a Palace in there somewhere. The name: Taj Palace.

The food was really yummy and I have some chicken tikka masala waiting at home for me tonight. Our waiter tricked us into ordering a giant tray of nan. After we placed our orders, he just asked us, "And would you like some nan with that?" I thought that it came with the entrees, but I think it just came with the house specials. So when he asked us if we wanted nan, it wasn't like other restaurants asking if we wanted a basket of bread, but more like, would you like the buffalo wing appetizer to start? However, it was fabulous, particularly the garlic nan, and came with a yummy cucumbery dipping sauce so I'm not really complaining. I just thought it was clever of the waiter to get us to order something so casually.

At the end of the night I had the waiter take a picture of the four of us and for some reason he stood reeeeally far away and then didn't zoom even though he asked where the zoom was. Observe:
Then it was back to our place for presents and cake. Kristina made this amazing flourless deep dark chocolate cake. It was insanely rich. Then I got these sassy pink notecards full of truth and wisdom. My favorite:

I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
and I'm wearing a fabulous new outfit

I also got 1,000 Places to See Before You Die, which unbeknownst to them I have been coveting for a year or so. Some of you know that I want to travel all over the world, so this seems like a handy-dandy guide to get me started and help me focus a little. Though not much, because 1,000 places are still an awful lot of places.

In other news, last night I got a temp job at an actual law firm! I know, I can't believe it either. It's a firm and it pays more than I'm getting at the data entry job so to me that says fabulous. It's in a Northern Virginia town. I don't mind the drive and I'll be mostly driving against rush hour traffic and when all is said and done, I'll probably spend less on gas in a week than the $22 I'm currently spending on the Metro every week.

There's only one itsy-bitsy problem with my trips to see the boy. We've planned out things fairly nicely so that I can pop up to Boston from the District on a Friday evening once a month or so by either a) taking the Metro a short jaunt to National, or B) taking the train and a bus to Dulles, which is more of a pain, but very doable from the District. This only arises as an issue really because pretty soon I'm supposed to be flying up from National at 7 PM and it was going to be oh-so-convenient while I was working in the District. However, I honestly don't know if I'll make the flight now that I'll be working in Virginia. I'm hoping maybe I can leave a tad early, race home, and then maybe my roommate L. can drive me to National. I have yet to ask her so we'll see.

Then we come to the Dulles issue. The town I'm working in is actually pretty close to Dulles, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to park my car there for the days I'm gone. Although I suppose for the lack of hassle, spending $30 once a month isn't really too big of a deal.

But the point is, I have a job! At a law firm! Through November! Yay! The other stuff will work itself out.

How To View My Blog

Update: Once again Eddie has come through and saved my blog. Hurrah! Thanks so much! And now that I know what to look for in the html, I can keep it from happening again. I wonder why it's happened twice now. Hopefully now everyone can see my blog perfectly.

So there has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding the inability to view my blog and its comments in their entirety (well, it's really annoyed me anyway). For some reason Internet Explorer does not like my blog. I don't know what happened and who said who to what, but they are not getting along.

I went to Blogger Help and in addition to having nothing helpful for this, they have a nice little message that says "If these links don't answer your question, feel free to email the Blogger Help staff," but no email address anywhere that I can see. I know I emailed them in the past, but I don't know where I found the address (and I admittedly only looked for about 5 minutes today since I was at work and, really, all I need is to get fired from my boring temp job).

At the boy's suggestion, I downloaded Firefox, which anyone can do for free and very quickly too. Not only does my blog work perfectly, but Firefox kindly transferred all of my Favorites from Internet Explorer. So until my blog starts talking trash about Firefox's mama, if you use Firefox, my blog will be visible in all of its glory.

Lunch

Just now I trotted over to Corner Bakery for lunch since with my cold I am absolutely incapable of planning ahead and/or getting up in time to make my lunch. The line was at least 25 people long, which meant I would probably spend the whole lunch hour waiting for my sandwich. So I came out and noticed a little lunch place across the street from my office building. They never seemed to have very many people in there and I've wondered why. I found out today.

First of all, their menu is woefully uninteresting. Tacos, burritos, unimaginative wraps, and pizza.

Second, I ordered a Chicken Caesar Wrap. Everyone knows what goes in one of these, yes? Well, here's what was in mine:

Chicken: check
Caesar dressing: check
Lettuce: check (although iceberg rather than romaine)
Tomatoes: um...
CHEDDAR CHEESE: NO! No no no.

I'm as big a fan of cheddar cheese as the next red-blooded American, but it does not belong in a Chicken Caesar Wrap. Moreover, what does belong in the wrap is Parmesan cheese. Oh, and it's melted cheddar cheese and it's all gloppy on the chicken. I'm very disappointed.

All Stuffed Up

I keep having half ideas to blog about. Right now I have three unfinished drafts saved. I can't seem to make them go anywhere. The thoughts are not flowing because my head is completely stuffed up. I hate colds. How is it that I can go from feeling perfectly fine to feeling like utter crap in a matter of a couple of hours? Anyway, I'm going to watch something my new Replay (aka fake Tivo) recorded and crochet with my box of Kleenex nearby.

Here's some food for thought. I've been having networking appointments with people on The Hill and realizing a couple of things. First of all, I cannot work for free. Well, actually I realized that already, but I don't think anyone in government who might think of hiring me for some menial job or just let me hang around their office and soak up the atmosphere understands that I cannot work for free. And since I have no Hill experience, I'm basically not qualified for any of the jobs that might pay more than say $20,000 a year.

Second, there are a lot of people in this world with huge massive amounts of career ambition and clear ideas of where they want to be in 5, 10, 15 years. I'm not one of these people. These are the people who are going to get the hard to come by and highly-coveted jobs. I just want to be normal, I don't need to be extraordinary with lots of power.

So I think what I'm really looking at is a desire to get a job at a firm and pay down my debt and live that kind of life, you know, not saving the world. I'll save the world when I'm 50. Right now, all I want is to make some hefty payments to the credit card companies (versus just the minimums) and still have enough for an occasional foray to Target.

On a lighter note:

Pretty roses from the boy.

The One Where Kelly Spills the Beans

Note: See the exciting new Washington National Cathedral pictures, added a mere 7 hours after the original post!

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes! I know 29 isn’t old, really, it’s just when I think about where I envisioned I would be by now, it definitely wasn’t doing data entry temp work while waiting for Bar results. Whoa. Yeah, that’s weird to just put it right there in black and white. I can honestly say I never thought I’d be awaiting Bar results up until about 5 years ago when I took the LSAT because a JD seemed more practical than a PhD. Life is funny.

I worked a half day yesterday and had the afternoon off. On Friday the woman supervising me asked if I had any weekend plans. I told her a friend was coming into town for my birthday on Monday. She asked if I wanted to leave early or anything and I decided to take her up on it.

So about that friend who came to visit… I’ve decided to share something with you all that I’ve been kind of keeping under wraps, at least here on my blog. Several of you who I know in a non-blog context already know this. The thing is, I’m dating someone (thus the lack of “dating in the Mormon world” tirades over the past couple of months. Well, the boy is one reason, but also because I haven’t actually been to the singles ward here yet. Maybe I’d have some observational tirades on behalf on my fellow single LDS women if I went and made some friends. Friends who didn't date and/or had very awful experiences with the boys in the singles ward.)

The other thing is, the boy is in Boston. We met right before I moved (and I do mean RIGHT before). And thus you all learn why I’ve been mulling over the idea of moving back to Boston at some point and contacting the people I know there about job possibilities. For various reasons, it would probably be more feasible for me to move back there than for him to move here, you know, if we did decide to go through with a whole merger thing.

I’ve got a few reasons for bringing this all up now. For one, I’m generally feeling more secure in the relationship at this point. Granted, we haven’t known each other very long (7 ½ weeks), but it feels a lot longer than that. Yes, it’s apparently one of those crazy fast Mormon things.

Second, there are two major things going on in my life right now: the job search and this relationship. By leaving out the boy, I exclude you all from half of what occupies my mind. And I’m nothing if not honest – embarrassingly so at times – with you, my readers. Plus, the blog will probably get really boring and full of allusions to “friends” who I talk to every night on the phone and “friends” who I visit and who visit me. It’s just kind of silly.

Third, I had a really nice birthday and he was a big part of that and I wanted to tell you about it.

He came to visit this weekend. We were planning on going apple picking on Saturday but it rained determinedly all day long. I had plans for an apple-infused feast for Sunday night from my fall issue of Cooking Light from last year, so I was disappointed. However, we went to the grocery store and since it is apple season after all, they had cider and really yummy McIntosh apples so I went forward with the apple plans. We rented a couple of movies and just hung out and I prepped the brine for the cider-roasted chicken (Yum! I also made apple-cranberry cobbler and sweet potato fries).

Sunday we went to church and then went to a concert at Washington National Cathedral. As promised earlier, pictures:



The view of the Cathedral from The Bishop's Garden, a lovely English-style garden with stone paths through it.















A gazebo in The Bishop's Garden.


















The altar (I discovered it's really hard to replicate the majesty, even with my nice little camera. You all should go to the Cathedral and see it for yourselves).










Are they still flying buttresses if they're buttressing on the inside?












The Rose Window. I really think the Mormons need to put more thought into the extensive use of stained glass.

The boy and I discussed this on Sunday, but I've decided that we Mormons can be a little hypocritical. See, sometimes we get all up on our high horses about how we're not into iconography, we don't worship saints, we don't have graven or other images. But let's be honest. I could catch a little flack for this, but after the Joseph Smith Operetta at Conference a week ago, and the extensive singing of "Praise to the Man" that's been going on, I believe we've just about heightened Joseph Smith to the level of a saint. We don't pray to him, of course, and I do think he should be praised for his work. However, if we're going to focus so much of our worship on discussing the deeds and works of a man, then I don't think there's any call to begrudge the Catholics and Episcopals their saints. And we have pictures of Christ, the prophets, and the apostles all over our church buildings. Those are just my thoughts.

Yesterday, I worked the half day and then we went to The Cheesecake Factory. Surprisingly, I didn't get cheesecake, but the Black-Out Cake, half of which is still in my fridge. Afterwards, we walked around the shops, most notably Williams-Sonoma whose scents of pumpkin bread and spiced cider samples drew us in. I know I’ve said it before, but Autumn is my absolute favorite time of the year. I want all the cutesy pie Autumn things.

Then we went back to my apartment and I got presents and TOTALLY cleaned up. Here’s what he got me:

2 dozen roses
Printer (he got me that a few weeks ago because mine died just as I was needing one to print out resumes and references)
Really cute Halloween candle holder with an apple-scented candle (along with a pack of candle lighters. You know, the push button flame thrower things. Last time he was here I burnt my finger trying to light a really low candle, so he thought I needed them. These are some serious candle lighters that make a “Whoosh!” sound. I think I could caramelize some crème brulee with these suckers)
Russell Stovers dark chocolate assortment (because in my mind dark chocolate is really the only chocolate)
KitchenAid mini food processor (which matches the red stand mixer I’ve always wanted)
Sleeping bag (which I’ve been wanting for about 5 years in general, and could have used twice in the last couple of months in particular)
And, the piece de resistance, a Tivo box! It’s not actually a Tivo, but it does the same thing, it just doesn’t make the popping noise. Welcome to 2005, Kelly!

And then, you know, he’s just really sweet to me, so that’s good too. Seriously with the printer and him flying to see me, I didn’t really need anything else at all.

His birthday is coming up here pretty soon and while I have a couple of things for him, I’m feeling like I should really put a lot more thought into this and come up with some big extravaganza. I know it’s not about that, of course, but he made me feel so special and spoiled. That’s pretty nice and I want him to feel that way too.

So the gist is, I'm dating someone and he makes me have what Santa Cruz Jenn and I used to call DSS (Dorky Smile Syndrome). I'll try not to let it all drag my blog down into uninteresting sap.

29

I'm an old, old lady.

But I'm getting taken to The Cheesecake Factory.

Buyer's Remorse

I went shopping last night and bought a bunch of new work clothes at Ann Taylor Loft, which I'm going to write about because I have a bone to pick with Lane Bryant, the store that is no longer the best place to buy women's pants. Actually, I didn't get a "bunch of clothes" as much as several select pieces that are classy and stylish and make me look HOT. You can ask my roommate. I had a fashion show. The reason why I tried everything on for her is because I was hoping something didn't look as HOT as I thought it had in the store and I could take something back. But no, everything looks HOT.

Here's the thing: I spent a lot of money. I opened an Ann Taylor credit card account to get 10% off, but still, a lot of money. And as you'll recall from my previous posts, money is kind of an issue at this point in time. My justifications are:

1) I have lost weight since the last time "business casual" and I were acquainted and basically none of my work clothes fit me anymore, particularly the pants. And you need pants in life that don't hang on you, with the crotch midway down your thigh, and the constant need to hitch them up as they slide ever so slightly down your hips, while the legs pool around your feet in a not so much flare as much as a really really big puddle.

2) The two sweaters I got are to replace the two or three nice sweaters from last winter that I basically wore into the ground.

3) The black shirt is to replace the 3/4 length sleeve one that has faded to a dark blue-gray and the long-sleeve one that is just too big now.

4) I re-tried on the skirt I got the other day at Target and am going to take it back because realistically it doesn't fit that great now that I've seen from Ms. Ann Taylor how a skirt should fit me. So there's $20 right there.

5) I need to look professional and pulled together as I go about trying to get a job and impress anyone I might be temping for who might have a permanent job opening.

But what I really want is for all of my good friends in the blogworld to tell me it's ok and I will have a decent job eventually and then those clothes will be eminently useful as I pass myself off as an intelligent, classy, and thus effective, attorney. Anyone?

PS Anonymous, please, no lectures about how frivolous and stupid I am. I already know that.

I Believe This Is A Sign of the Apocalypse

Holy crap!

The Fairy Tale Is Over

Fully realizing that I am a loser who watches too much E! and VH1, I am actually sad about the very recent news that Nick and Jessica are through.

Although I always kind of thought he wondered what he had gotten into as he stared at her incredulously after some Chicken of the Sea-type comment.

Do You Ever Feel Like the Universe is Just Screwing With You?

Apparently God likes the little jokies.

After feeling completely despondent last night and crying to my roommate and wondering "Why is this happening? Why is this so difficult? Why doesn't the world love me?" the job is back on. Apparently there was a mix-up in HR at the corporation that I'm going to and an interim HR person incorrectly cancelled the order for me. So I start tomorrow. Hurrah!

Honestly, though, I felt a bit better after having a good cry last night and talking about it. Another thing that helped was having a long conversation with a friend about things completely unrelated to the job search. Look! I can be a semi-interesting person when I don't have the "I have no job" broken record loop running through my head.

I've decided that I need to get my own crowd of girl friends in this town. They're so helpful in times like this that try the soul. Plus then I'd have someone to go to movies and dinner and shopping with once I get some money. I suppose I should actually start going to the singles ward in an attempt to meet people/reconnect with the people who I thought were neat at the campout. I've only been to church twice since I moved here because of being out of town or Conference or the campout and both times were at the family ward.

I thought the family ward would probably be where I wanted to go, but I'm rethinking that. I'm just so tired of the whole singles ward thing. The flirting, the fashion show, the condescension of the leaders. I'm just a little annoyed by the condescending tones that a lot of leaders in singles wards seem to use toward a lot of the people in the ward. It seems like a 22 year-old married girl gets more respect sometimes in the church than a 30 year-old single woman. I suppose at least in Colonial 2nd it makes a little sense because it's a more traditional ward of 18-30 year olds, versus LP2 where the youngest person was probably 24 or so and there was no age limit. When I was 20 I didn't really mind being coddled by the leaders. Kind of like surrogate parents/bishops from the ward I grew up in. But now that I'm 28 (almost 29) with 3 degrees under my belt, I'm just tired of the whole singles ward atmosphere.

Realistically I realize that the singles ward is the best place to meet potential friends. Also, family wards, especially young family wards, are tough because it seems like everyone has little babies or is pregnant. I do like doing the grinning at the toddler peeking over the back of the chair thing during Sacrament Meeting occasionally, but I seem to have a problem with being easily distracted by the cuteness and missing what's actually being said. Also, Mothers, when your baby is SCREAMING in Relief Society, you need to leave. Or at least stand up and give the kid a new vantage point. I'm sure he's bored. So maybe in reality I'm just not psyched up for the family ward yet. Might as well go to the singles ward while I can, right?

So Much For That

Remember that long-term temp assignment that was supposed to start tomorrow? Yeah, they just cancelled it.

Hmmmm

Two months ago I knew I was leaving Boston for DC and I planned to never look back. Of course I would keep in touch with my friends and want to know what they were up to. I would come back and visit occasionally, especially since Santa Cruz Jenn is there this year doing a post-doc.

Now there have been some developments (that I haven't written about) that have me looking back toward Boston and wondering if moving back there at some point in the semi-nearish future is a possibility. There are things that I like about Boston - right now I find myself missing the crisp air that always accompanied my friends and me when we went apple picking in October. I'm going apple picking in Virginia this weekend, but I have a feeling it won't be very chilly. But I do not like the 6-month winters. I do not like the very narrow roads that make no sense and the ornery, aggressive drivers. I do not like the attitude that so many people in the city seem to have that their time is the most important and that it just might kill them to be pleasant to another person.

But there are good things. There are people I care about.

I just wonder why I felt like DC was so definitely the place for me up until, oh, about August 20th or so. The last time I was in Boston I regretted leaving because of new circumstances. Now I wonder what everything meant when I was making the decision to move here. All of the little "signs" I got last Spring, the way things worked out so easily for me to move in with Kristina and L., the peace I felt after the decision was made. The peace that is so elusive now.

When I would tell people I was moving to DC sometimes they would comment on how brave/weird it was to move here with no job. I would always reply, "Well, I have no job in Boston either, so it doesn't really matter if I stay here or go somewhere else." Now that I'm having a tough time finding work here, and now that there are other things pulling me toward Boston, I'm at that point where I'm thinking, "Well, I have no job in DC either..."

But would it be the right thing to do? I'm very concerned about making the right decisions, and right now I don't know what those are.

So here's a question for all the Mormon folk, and any non-Mormon folk who would like to put their two cents in. What is your feeling about things being right at one point in time and then different things being right at another point in time? Why does that happen? And how do I figure out if that's what's happening?

Another consideration is what a pain it would be to move ALL my crap back to Boston. Ugh.