Hitting A Wall

I think I need a day off. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately with all there is to do and don't really feel like I've gotten much time off to relax and center myself.

Part of it is my own fault because I set expectations for myself and when I don't fulfill them I feel like I have failed. I don't cut myself a lot of slack.

Part of it is just life pressures that I don't feel like I have any control over at all.

* Work is very busy. This is a good thing, but just as I feel like maybe today might be the day when I finally get a handle on my to-do list, I get 4 or 5 more things added to it. I bring work home pretty much every day, but I either feel burnt out when I get home or there is some other commitment and then it's too late. Trust me, if I start reading a contract at 11 PM, I will be out cold in about 30 seconds. But the to-do list is still there and it's just getting longer.

* I had my annual review at work yesterday. It was fine. Not stellar. Fine. My boss can't say anything marginally critical that I haven't thought five hundred thousand times about myself already. Because I am always my harshest critic. One thing that he's wanted me to do for some time now is get out there in the legal and health care community. Serve with some organization, get to know people, network, become involved. Which I'm willing to do, but, I think, when?

* Church responsibilities. I love being in the Young Women's. But there's always something to do. I want to do so much for the girls, but there are so many needs there that I know the calling has the capacity to suck everything out of me if I let it.

(Also, kind of unfair that all the time I spend with the girls at and outside of church and driving them around and going to activities and chaperoning dances and all of that doesn't count as getting out there in the community. I know they're not networking sources, but I feel like it should count somehow...)

* Could I get a free weekend? It's hard to explain to my extrovert husband, but I actually do enjoy holing up inside the house for an entire day sometimes and doing nothing. I also have an internal conflict because I DO like being social and I don't want to miss out on something fun. In addition to having a social life, we also have a lot of church responsibilities on the weekends (yes, Saturday AND Sunday). Every weekend lately we just go, go go. Always something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. I've been exhausted on Sunday nights and then the week begins again.

* The house is a wreck. It just is. We manage to surface clean every so often, but we never, ever get down to the mass reorganization and dumping that needs to get done. It's been really wearing on me lately, and I've been nagging Jason about it a lot, because, frankly, a lot of the clutter is his. I know some of it is mine too and I don't want to be a constant nag. I feel mad and then I nag and then I feel sad for nagging. But then I feel mad again at the mess. When I do have time to sit and just be for a moment, I find it really hard to relax because there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done around the house. Not just dishes or dusting or sweeping, though heaven knows, that needs to get done too, but all the other projects that we've been saying we were going to do for 2 years. I find myself getting really infuriated with Jason when I know he stays up late until 3 or 4 in the morning, but doesn't use any of that time to do anything around the house. I know it's not fair because he needs time to decompress too.

* I worry about my parents. I know I don't vocalize it that much to them, or to a lot of people, and that my parents read this so I guess now they're aware of it. Not a day goes by when I don't think about them and wish I somehow had the capacity to fix their lives. I need someone to tell me where the line is. How do I stop feeling guilty about not giving them everything I have because I know if I do, I won't have anything for myself or my husband or our (hopefully) future family?

I'm just exhausted.

Through the Magic of Google Reader Maybe Someone Will Read This

I have committed the cardinal sin of blogging by not updating in ages. Over a month, actually, though it doesn't feel like that long.

In truth, I've been blogging fairly regularly at my other blog, since my focus lately has been on healthy living. As my interest in this area grows into a side hobby, it just makes sense to post more there.

So what has gone on in the last month? Well, we've been busy, but it's just with normal stuff. Work, TV, sleep, occasional dinners out with friends, church callings. Here are a few things:

1. The Young Women had New Beginnings this past Sunday and I think it was a smashing success. New Beginnings is an annual program where the girls give little presentations to tell their families what they have been working on for the past year with regard to their Personal Progress projects. They also each gave a little mini talk about each of the Young Women's values and how the values work in their lives. Some of them are shy and told me they thought they did badly afterward, but I made sure to tell them all they did great. Even our bishop said it was the best one he's seen in the ward. We really have a great group of girls and I have so many hopes for them.
   
   In truth, Young Women's is taking up a large chunk of my "spare" time. But it's fun and I really feel that these girls need us - and each other. A couple of them have become close over the last couple months and it's been great to see that friendship blossom even though they're at different schools.
   
   
2. Brandon and Sarah had a baby and I am an aunt, which the only child in me is delighted about. (Note to parents out there: don't have only 1 kid if you can possibly help it. Despite my parents' great efforts to always be the welcoming home and to have my friends over a lot, it's not the same.)
   
   
3. I'm starting my adventures in gardening again in the next couple of weeks so I'll try to be diligent about posting my results. This year I'm growing tomatoes and either cucumbers or zucchini - I haven't decided which.
   
   
4. We're going to Hawaii in a month! I had grand weight loss goals, but they haven't really come to fruition. Overall, I'm healthier, though, and that's a definite plus.
   
   
5. I am really excited about Spring! I think I say this for every season, but I am always excited about what comes next.
   

That's all I can think of right now. I'll work on making sure this blog is updated regularly. After all, it did get me a husband and I job so I feel some loyalty to it.