My home teacher (HT)* came over last night and I wound up feeling really, really depressed. One of my co-workers/friends had to hear about it today as I once again questioned basically everything I've done with my life over the past 4 years: school, career, romance, church. She said she's fine with being my shrink since we have to sit in this room together for hours on end. Maybe my neuroses liven things up for her a little.
See, HT is a good Mormon boy. He believes in answers to prayers and the power of Priesthood blessings. I am not feeling up to playing the part of the good Mormon girl anymore. There are several reasons for this, mostly centering around feeling disillusioned and confused, which gives way to the spiritual laziness that has taken over as of late.
Last time HT came over we talked about reading scriptures and I admitted to him that I really haven't read regularly in some time. This time we talked a little more about that and then it came out that I haven't really been praying regularly either. I'm sort of a random prayer lately. It's not so much a morning and night thing, but rather a during the day when something occurs to me I'll have a little discussion with God about it in my head kind of thing.
My faith is failing me. I just can't seem to work up the energy to really care. I go to church and generally feel all encouraged to get on the ball and become that spiritual-talking girl I once was, but the momentum usually fades by the time I reach my car in the church parking lot. I especially like to go to church in Boston because I am spiritually uplifted AND I have lots of friends there who ask me when I'm moving back already. So that's fun. But I realize that in the end I need to be able to sustain myself spiritually.
I'm having a hard time with the whole Mormon thing - again, or still, actually, since I've never really recovered from last summer's malaise. Being a Mormon has always seemed like this all or nothing thing. Either you take it all and accept it all, or you don't. Period. The end. If there is anything that rankles you about something a General Authority says or that you read in the scriptures then you're obviously not faithful enough and you need to pray/read your scriptures/talk to the bishop/psychologically self-flagellate until you fall back in line.
However, over the past year, or maybe a little more, I have discovered that there are a lot of people who don't fall back in line. Their opinions differ with the official words from the church leaders, yet they still come to church and attend the temple. They voice their opinions, holding fast to some basic tenets of the gospel, while disregarding some of the things that have been done and said in the name of the church that they aren't comfortable with.
But how does that make sense? How can you belong to this church, that says it is the only true church, that says it is led by an actual living prophet, and not toe the line absolutely? It seems like most Mormons I have known fall into the all or nothing category. That seems to be the official church party line as well.
If you believe in the Book of Mormon, then Joseph Smith was a true prophet who led the church by inspiration from God (and then there's that whole polygamy thing that we don't really talk about all that much). If you believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet and that all the prophets down to the modern-day one were really and truly prophets, then the things they say must be adhered to, lest we be drowned or destroyed like those who spurned the words of Noah or Lehi.
Right?
Frankly, I have some issues. I have some very recent issues with things that have been said with official church backing. And I can pretty much date my most recent dalliance with wondering if this really is the "true" church to those issues.
HT tried to impress upon me his belief that God really does have a plan for each of us. I have had a hard time believing anything remotely like that lately. I feel like I'm mired deep in mistakes that once felt like good choices. Choices that I felt were backed up by spiritual assurances. I find myself wondering if I've just been deluding myself, and then I feel my foundation disappear.
I know I'm happier when I do believe and when I let myself be caught up in the spirituality and don't question. It feels easier not to question. By looking the things I don't like straight in the face, I am opening up a window into this world of doubt and wondering and questioning. There's a part of me that isn't content to sit back and let the easy platitudes satiate me. Can I be a part of this all or nothing world when I don't want it all? But I don't want nothing either.
* For those of you not indoctrinated to the Mormon ways, home teachers are two men in the ward (congregation) who are assigned to be your friend and to help you move. Everyone in the ward has a home teacher and every man in the ward is assigned several people to home teach. Usually each home teaching companionship has a few families, but since I'm in a singles ward my home teacher is assigned probably 6 or 7 (or more) other single people. Supposedly he has a companion, but I've only seen and heard from him consistently.
11 comments:
Kelly-
I totally appreciated your entry. I feel as if I am in much of the same position. However, I have taken a slightly different philosophy. There are several things about the Mormon religion that I flat out do not believe in. Period. But, there are enough good tenets in the church that I have not left. I, unlike most who are all or nothing, take what I like about the church and follow those principles but do not adhere to the rest that I am in disagreement with. Maybe I should decide once and for all if this church is for me but that is truly scary when your entire life is built upon the church's social aspects. I think for now that I will just procrastinate a bit more with coming to any type of all or nothing decision. Until then, come over and we'll chat all about it!
Oh I know how you feel! It's sad, but I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. I don't attend church because I just can't handle certain phrases that everyone repeats. And, the sad truth is that life has been better for me since I stopped going. I don't feel that I have left the church though, I don't think I have come to that decision as of yet. But for now, time off is what I needed.
For me I am struggling about if there is any religion at all. God, Christ, and spirituality don't need to be tied to a religion. The "only true" thing is bothering me because I can see truth and goodness in other places just as much, sometimes more.
Also I think that our church puts way too much emphasis on feeling right about things, and not enough about making choices for ourselves. I've made choices that I feel are bad based on what I thought was "right", and on the flip side I have made choices that went against certain churchy feelings but turned out to be the wisest choice.
I don't know what to tell you since I struggle too... but I figure that God knows our heart and that is all the really matters.
Is your boyfriend LDS? Have you discussed your thoughts, feelings and concerns with him?
Kelly, next time you're in town you MUST hang out with Peggy and me. We'll chat without judgment or fear, we'll just chat. Also, we'll eat fun food. Also, maybe some shoe shopping. Yes.
Will you call me? Send me an email or something, and let's seriously do this. I miss you!
I think what you said about it being all or nothing is true. It is hard to say the church is true about somet things but not others and then still have a testimony of it being the "true church". Don't get me wrong I think the church honestly tries to do good and means well. I think there are some amazing people in the church but that does not make up for the fact that there are somethings that just can't be explained. I know the spirit will testify of things that are of God-- I have felt the spirit in church when there is a discussion on the atonement of christ. However I do not feel the spirit when I begin to read about our church history and past "controversial" doctrines taught by general authorities and prophets. So am I able to just say "this church is true" no matter what the doctrines or teachings are? If it is true shouldn't it all be true or at least wouldn't God help me to find peace with the things I do not understand. So far I haven't found peace with those things in the church even though I have prayed constantly. It would be so much easier if the church was just TRUE. However, how can I be true to myself if I just blindly believe. I can't ultimately. I must find peace and God is the only one who can do that for me. If this is the true church then hopefully God will bring me to that place. If it is not true then I need to have the courage to find peace in that as well---
No difference - Whinge is just a British variation meaning the same thing.
I really, really like what J.Davis said about the Church and its Culture being two separate entities. I remember being told years ago in Tennessee by a wise HT that the Church is perfect but people are not.
I fell away after moving to Chicago so ML could go to law school. It was impossible with her study load to take the time to go to church; I went for almost a year more out of habit and filled a calling, etc. But it was easy to finally stop going because the Culture of that ward left a negative impression on me. Then some stuff happened: ML getting kidney cancer, 9/11, Bush - I began to question the whole reality of the church.
Now I am getting active again thanks to an HT who is both enthusiastic and down-to-earth. He visited us for several months consistently and then offered to bring the sacrament to us on Sundays. That really helped me remember the good things I got from church, and I started going again. (I should point out that although we had lived in three wards here so far, this was the first HT we had seen for almost six years. I call that a Cultural issue.)
Anyway, I'm working on it. ML cannot attend due to her illness at this time, so our HT will still bring the sacrament to her once or twice a month. It's nice to sing the hymns again and hear the talks - and, yes, I sometimes hear things I don't agree with, but I don't get worked up about it. I realize it's just another person's opinion - not everyone has the ability (or the keys) to accurately interpret scripture. The Culture of this ward is very positive.
So, I know where you are at, and I sympathize. After all the work and dedication where's the payoff? When will life get normal? I'm afraid it may not - seems that way for me anyway. Therefore, I wish you a blessing on your journey to find peace. You are a child of God, so all things are possible. Wherever you end up, I'll be pleased to say you made it - congrats! (Just don't shave your head please. :-)
T-K
Ryann, the social aspects are very scary. It's tough to break ties when the church is your whole (or at least the majority of) your social network.
J. Davis, thanks for your input. I have heard the saying that the church is true even when the people aren't, but I think some of my issues right now are going further than just church culture. I didn't feel like my home teacher was judging me, just that we were discussing things that he had found to help him and I realized that I didn't see the solution as so cut and dry anymore - and that's what depressed me. I find myself question things that General Authorities say and questioning whether or not the church is actually true and if there can actually be one true church when I see so much good in other churches and so much I don't agree with in my own church.
Aimee, I find myself wondering the same thing about religion period. I find so much good in other religions, religions that aren't as absolutist about being the only true church and are accepting of a lot of different types of people. Is it possible to believe in God and Jesus and to enjoy church, but not necessarily adhere to a particular theology?
Noelle, he is, and yes and no. We approach things differently in this regard so I sometimes feel like we talk past each other.
Mary, you got my email.
Anon, it sounds like you and I are in a similar place. I know I have felt the spirit in the LDS church, but I have also felt the spirit in other churches. I wonder if it's possible to believe in the Book of Mormon, but not believe in everything the church says entirely? Please let me know if you have any astounding revelations. :)
Dad, see my comments above to J. Davis. I am glad that you and Mom are having such a good experience with the church right now. Like I said above, right now it's more than culture for me.
Jef, that's a true statement.
Ah ha! Jeff I have no idea who you are but that is such the point! It's totally just about the relationship and in the mean time everyone seriously just needs to work on their charity and stop judging anyone else. You're not by chance a Covey reader are ya?
kelly, you should check out www.mormonstories.org
it's helping alot of my friends who are in LDS turmoil figure it all out...(me included)
Kelly,
First off, you should never view your choice to go to law school as a mistake (or whatever decision you're questioning--I'm making an assumption here...). Education is never a mistake--I don't care how much debt you're carrying. Some day, I guarantee that you will get a job/understand something/be a better person because you went to law school/moved to DC/etc.,etc. Nothing in life is a mistake--I think you shouldn't think about life in such a linear way...you should be excited (and overwhelmed!) about the endless possibilities you have!
As far as the Mormon thing...I feel you. I feel like I go through a crisis of faith every 6 months. I completely agree with your frustration. I think the only way to be happy as a mormon is to be 100% mormon. I am a cafeteria mormon, so therefore I am not a happy mormon. I am a happy person...but not a happy mormon. I'm the one who walks out when First Presidency letters encouraging us to vote on certain amendments are read from the pulpit.This tends to raise eyebrows and elicit HT discussions.
I think there are many ladders to God...and I think the hardest thing you can do is to be kind to your fellow man. That's hard enough, and all these superfluous rules or ideas about dress (one piercing/ear!), behaviour (marry young and start a family!) and any other thousand you can think of I think are designed by men. I think God wants us to be nice to others and to ourselves. He doesn't want us wrapping ourselves in pretzels with feelings of guilt over not praying/tithing/volunteering/Homemaking/etc.
I'll tell you who does want you wrapped up in a pretzel about these things...the mormon church. As you can tell, I'm in my bitter phase.
You're a good person. Don't le some pencil neck HT make you think otherwise
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