Decisions, Decisions

I'm moving back to Boston. Maybe it seemed to you like I had already made that decision, but not really. I didn't really have it confirmed in my head that, yes, this is actually happening. After being up until 5 AM on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 PM on Sunday somehow feeling better. I spent those long hours before going to sleep doing job research. I applied for a health policy analyst position at an insurance company, I emailed out two resumes, and prepped a cover letter and another resume to mail. Only one of the jobs was really something I was excited about, but the others were ones I figured I can do and be fine.

Yesterday I went and looked at an apartment. It's cheap, but not very practical as it's very far out and not really close to a Metro line. It would probably take me more than an hour to get into DC - assuming I actually have work and stuff.

After going there, I drove home, thinking more and more how I just don't want to move. Or, rather, what I really want is to just move back to Boston and be done with it. I don't know if moving back to Boston at the beginning of May or sooner is really a possibility. If I could get contract work for the next month and a half, I could definitely do it. But right now that's looking like a big if.

Today was an emotional rollercoaster day. First off, this job I'm on keeps being vague and noncommittal. We went in today, but they sent us home early so we have no overtime. We're going in tomorrow, but we may not even be there until 5:30 like we were today. Wednesday, who knows. The last batch of documents were supposed to be loaded in by this morning, and now they're saying they'll be done on Thursday.

The good news of this morning was that they're going to be doing an additional project for a few days after the documents are all reviewed, for which they'll keep a few of us. Me and three of the people who sit around me have been recommended for that. I call us the worker bees because we churn out over 500 documents a day, while down at the other end of the room is the other group that seems to talk a lot. The disparity between our groups was pointed out to me on Saturday: there are 20 attorneys on this project. On Saturday I finished up batch 15 from Friday, did batch 29, and then at the end of the day was given batch 39.

20 attorneys.

Those numbers aren't adding up and the documents are all really comparable so I know the other attorneys could be going quickly too. The woman who sits next to me was right there with me with batches 14, 30, and 40. Fortunately, our work has been noticed and we're up for the additional days. However, right now I don't know when that's going to start for sure, and I definitely don't know how long it will last or if it's really going to happen next week. I don't even know if the firm knows that since the vendor keeps messing things up and the firm keeps getting extensions for everything.

It's just really infuriating because in the meantime I don't know what my end date is and no other agency will send you out for a job until you're definitely free from your former one.

Well, then I met with another staffing agency over my lunch hour and they told me they're staffing for 3 projects right now, which will start at the end of the month. Great, except what do I do for the next two weeks about money? Especially if the current firm continues being flakey.

The highlight of the day was a call I got regarding a health policy job that I submitted my resume for in Boston. I got an interview. It's scheduled for Thursday, but I'm thinking that I may try to move it to Friday. The company is a non-profit, which probably means crappy pay and continuing the putting off of the student loans. But it would probably be great experience and hopefully something I could parlay into a better job eventually.

For about an hour and a half I was blissful today thinking everything was working out all of a sudden. I got a call to start a long document review project on Monday. Big pay, long hours. It would mean I could definitely move back to Boston at the beginning of May. It also meant I could schedule my interview for Thursday and then stay the weekend in Boston before the long hours started. An hour and a half after I got the call, they called back. Whoops. The client just told them they want people with a science background only (to which I thought, aren't all the attorneys with science backgrounds raking it in as IP lawyers and not really doing the contract thing?) So for about an hour and a half, everything fit together perfectly.

Now I'm going to try to move my interview to Friday in the hopes that I can miss just that day, spend the weekend in Boston, and still get to be on the additional assignment team come Monday. You know, if it actually starts on Monday.

I seem to be having a lot of these major realizations lately, but today's highs and lows and the scrambling to fit in a trip to Boston just further shows me that being in Boston is the only way this is going to work, both with my relationship with Jason, and with finding a job. I need to be there.

Oh, another good thing from today: I got a call from someone at staffing agency in Boston who saw my resume on Monster and wanted to talk to me about contract attorney work. I'm going to try to schedule an interview with them after my real job interview. Say like I don't get the policy job. If I can make some money to tide me over and then go up there, then maybe I can get some temp stuff to continue tiding me over.

Yesterday I was feeling good and today I'm just trying to convince myself that the good feeling was real. I made the decision to move back to Boston, and to move back as soon as I could, and I felt good. I don't really know how to explain it, but I felt more open and like a good feeling was washing over me. I felt like reading my scriptures, amazingly enough. I haven't felt like that for months as I've questioned my decisions and my faith over and over. I pulled out my Bible and read through some Psalms, then pulled out Jan Karon's Patches of Godlight to read some nice spiritual quotes. This is the first time I've really had a consistent, day-long feeling of lightness and good energy since I moved here. Today it lessened some, but I just have to hold onto it, if I can.

So now here is what I really want to do: I want to move back to Boston at the beginning of May. I don't know if I'll be able to. If I don't get any work in the next couple of weeks, I won't be able to. But today is only Monday, right? Maybe tomorrow another agency will have something else come in for next week. It could happen. Right?

Today is the epitome of a conversation in the movie version of Anne of Green Gables about getting caught up in the glorious flight of anticipation, then crashing back to the earth with a thud. That's how I feel right now. Thudded. I'm so exhausted at the strain of trying to juggle everything that came at me today. Because for a short time this afternoon everything fit together, and then it all came apart. I hope tomorrow things start fitting together again, but this time for keeps.

More of the Same

I don't know if you all have noticed, but my profile says basically one thing. "I'm done with law school. Now to find a job." Every so often I glance over to the left and see those words there like a glowing, blinking neon sign.

It has now been about 10 months since I graduated from law school. 2 months to study for the Bar, 1 month to take a post-Bar trip and move to DC, 7 months of nothing special. Oh, right, except for that cute boy. But he's not job-related, really, and that's what I'm talking about.

Anyway, last Fall was kind of a wash. I did some networking, sent out some resumes, signed up with 8 staffing agencies, and got sent out to do some data entry and a little filing. Then came January with the whole DC Bar-pending thing, which I thought meant contract attorney jobs would be showered forth upon me. Not so much. After being postponed a week, it turns out this job I'm on right now is really seriously not going to last anything like the 2 weeks and 70 hours per week (30 of which were overtime hours) that it was supposed to. When all is said and done, I will probably have made as much as I would have working 3 steady weeks at the little firm I was at. Plus, I would have had less stress (at least from wondering where my next paycheck was coming from) and would be in Boston this weekend.

I've emailed every single one of my agencies (I think I'm up to 10 now, and I have an appointment with the 11th on Monday) and they've all said "Thanks for letting us know your status. Buh-bye now." Or something like that.

After all of that, I have questions in my mind about what my next moves should be in the coming 2 months or so. I have decided to move back to Boston. I have this vague idea in my head about sometime at the end on the summer. However, if I get a job before then, I'll move then. Which brings this whole moving from this particular apartment I'm living in right now into question. Because say like I move and then a month later I get a job and then I have to find someone to sublet this place I've just moved into and what if I can't? But I want the extra time here because I'm hoping to work contract jobs and save up money so I can move and support myself for a bit in Boston if need be. Although those contract jobs aren't really appearing as of yet.

On the other hand, what are the odds that I will really be able to find a job in Boston while I'm trying to work long hours here (fingers crossed) and am not actually physically there?

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. What I'm getting at is, I'm moving to Boston - eventually. I miss Jason a lot and how fab would it be to move there May 1 instead of September 1? But I have no job in Boston. I already moved to one town without a job, how stupid would I be to move back to Boston without a job?

I wonder if any of my Boston friends would mind a couch crasher until I get on my feet.

What I really wonder is, will I ever get on my feet?

I feel very stuck. If I could work a contract job steadily for the next month and a half, with overtime, I could seriously consider moving back to Boston at the end of April. Of course, I don't know if ANY work will present itself, let alone steady work. Steady work with overtime. Plus, would it be insane to move back to Boston just like that? Probably.

I felt so right about moving to DC and lately I don't know anything at all except for I'm not happy here and I'm not happy not knowing when the next time I will see Jason is. Right now we have plans for the next couple of weekends, but with the nature of these jobs, I may have to cancel one, if not both. If I was in Boston and was able to get temp work there, we could see each other after work and there would be no flying here and there.

I've worked 60 hours this week and I'm tired, so I should probably go to bed and hope these thoughts don't wake me up at 5:30 like they usually do. I hope writing them out has helped me. I really do want your thoughts though, dear internet. Those of you who know me in real life, and those of you who don't. I want someone to hand me a script and show me the stage direction for what happens next. Because I really don't know.

Fashion Update

I don't care who you are or how good your butt is or how sexy your little walk is, the following shall never, ever, ever be paired with any sort of boot: floods, capris, gauchos. I have seen way too much of that nonsense this winter, thank you very much.

And to the girl wearing the capris and the spiky heels, it's COLD outside today. I am in my winter coat and my cheeks are rosy from the wind. Put some clothes on and accept that it's only the beginning of March.

That is all.

The Battle Continues

I've started another blog. It's about the whole losing weight thing. Just for kicks.

Shake What Ya Mama Gave You

5:24 AM

The above is the time I woke up this morning, my head churning away about moving. I've basically agreed to do my best to move out by April 1. I saw a place on the the LDS listserv that looked promising and I knew my roommates had a friend whose lease was up April 1. She does want to take my spot, which actually works out well because she doesn't have a lot of stuff and that means I don't have to move all of my big bulky furniture right away - possibly not even until I move back to Boston (shooting for August).

However, I talked to the available apartment girl last night and it turns out it's a loft bedroom. Which means it hangs out over the living room and is missing one or more walls. Ummm.....??? She assured me she's never had a problem with it so I'm actually going to look at it tonight, but I'm already prejudiced against it because of the whole no walls thing. Basically I'm thinking of people watching movies until the wee small hours in the living room below and the fact that there will be no privacy for phone calls - or anything else really, despite the curtains hanging up as a barrier.

I did see another apartment on the listserv yesterday that sounds great, and from what I can tell, this bedroom will have walls. I emailed the girl and hopefully she'll email me back.

On the job front, the client has more documents and it looks like we'll be working until next Thursday or Friday. Phew! The woman who sits next to me (and since that's getting to be a long name to type every time, and since she's chatty and we sit next to each other for 9.5 hours every day so she will probably figure here occasionally, I'm going to call her SJ) was taking me along on her panic ride yesterday as she emailed all of the staffing agencies only to find out that no one has anything starting next week. Hopefully something will start up the following week.

Obviously I'm not going to Boston this weekend, but I'm thinking maybe the following weekend will work out. I'll just have to wait and see. It's only been a week since I've seen Jason, but I miss him a lot.

Tiggeriffic

So the team leader and the lady who sits next to me and I did a little calculating today and figured out that with the number of documents we have to review, the number of attorneys on the project, and the speed we're going, there is NO WAY this job is going to last two weeks. I'm a little torn as to when I hope it ends exactly. Because if it ends Friday then I can go to Boston this weekend after all. But if it ends Saturday or Sunday then that's some extra time and a half pay hours. I figure if it really is going to end early, then they might as well tell us for sure by Friday so we can start lining up work for next week (and I'm hoping it's just that easy, although I have my doubts). And if it's going to end, well by all means, let me go to Boston at least since I won't be getting the 2 weeks of phat money I was expecting. Mama needs some lovin' with a letdown like that.

The team leader guy gave me the name of his contact at another staffing agency. They are apparently ramping up for more stuff too, so I'm hoping my myriad of agencies, plus this new one, can keep me busy in the coming weeks.

Your mind goes weird places sometimes when you're just sitting there for hours. For one, has anyone else ever noticed how the Cure has REALLY long song intros? Jason burned 2 Cure CDs for me and I promptly put them on my iPod so they're in heavy rotation now. Every time a Cure song comes on (except the ones I know from the radio) after about 2 minutes I start thinking, "Well, maybe it's an instrumental" and just as I go to skip it, Robert Smith starts singing. Every single song.

Another thing I've discovered is why my mom calls me Tigger. It's not that I'm really hyper exactly, just that there's a lot of energy pent up in me that makes me feel like I'm going to leap out of my skin if I don't move around enough. When I was small, my parents bought me a tiny little trampoline so I could bounce while we were watching TV. Now whenever my mom sees that caged wild animal look in my eyes because I've been still for too long she'll say, "Boing boing boing!"

Document review is not very conducive to soothing my savage beast, as it were. By the time I'm on the bus back to my apartment I feel like I could leap up and run up and down the aisle about 20 times. As it is I get off of the bus early so I'll have a longer walk home and then I throw on my workout clothes and turn on Denise Austin. Today it was a bit of kickboxing and abs (and my abs are SORE).

The money is great, but I really don't think I could do this full-time like some people in DC do. I need a real job. I know I'll be at a desk most of the time, but it's not the same. The firm I was at before had me running around a lot of the time, and that's how I like it.

So document review is good for self-discovery apparently. Padding the bank account a bit and self-discovery. They should have me write the ads.

Document Review Awards of the Day

It's funny what you come across during document review. Generally the documents in this case so far have been boring, tedious, and other words that mean something fills me with ennuis.

Every so often, though, something will pop up that makes for interesting reading.

Best term for blue-collar folk as quoted in a press release: Joe and Mary Lunchbucket

Best conversation sent over corporate email: two employees discussing whether they would train together for the upcoming half marathon, with one of them obviously over-impressed at the other's running prowess.

Best document ever: a single page with the word "HELP" in large letters across the top. I thought about printing it out and affixing it to the window.

For more interesting reading, I would refer you to Maria and Miss Nemesis's blogs about what not to say to single people. They're a hoot.

Wishing I Could Sleep Right

First off, my job got postponed. Well, actually we went in Friday, got all orientated, did 3-4 hours of document review, and then the person in charge from the firm realized the vendor had entered all the information into the system incorrectly. They told us to go home, take the weekend off, and come back Monday. So this fabulously paying job I was supposed to start last Tuesday has been postponed to Monday and I'm now just really hoping it happens Monday. I was expecting to have at least 3 days of pay coming to me this Thursday and now I only have 1 and money is getting tight because, you know, I haven't worked for an entire week basically. Kind of annoying. Kind of stressful. Thus the sleeping issues.

No matter when I go to sleep lately, my brain is waking me up at 5 or 6 AM. Yesterday it was 5 AM. Since I was rolling around all these thoughts about paying bills and getting organized, I just got up and paid the bills and started to get organized. Then I got online and emailed my resume out to a couple of people and did some job searching. Have I mentioned that no one wants to hire new attorneys? Yeah, they still don't.

5 hours later I managed to fall back asleep for a couple of hours.

Last night I went to sleep at about 2 AM and dutifully set my alarm for 9 so I could get up in time to have a nice leisurely shower and breakfast before church. My churning and whirling brain woke me up at 6 AM. This time I was thinking about money, but also moving. I'm trying really hard to not think about the fact that I have to move in 2 months until it gets much closer, but that whole putting off the thinking about it thing isn't really working. Because I'm a worrier. I'm also a planner. This is a bad combination when for the last 6 months or so there has been no way to have a concrete plan in my life. Everything is up in the air. Job, where I'm going to live, money.

I sent in a deferment for one of my loans yesterday and in my explanation as to why I couldn't make payments yet I basically said that my income is sporadic and over the last 6 months I've worked an average of 2 out of every 4 weeks. That sucks and also explains why I'm constantly calculating and recalculating my checking account balance with the bill payments due and strategically planning when to pay what in order to ensure that I don't get overdrawn.

I'm so tired of this. I just want a job that pays me enough to live my life and pay down my student loans. At this point, as an attorney, I never thought it would be this hard. I wonder if I'm the only person from my class at my school who is having this hard of a time. It seems like it. Everyone I knew well enough to discuss future plans with either had something lined up at graduation, or has since found something. I realize that my job search has been kind of sketchy due to my being unsure about where to look, but now that I'm focusing more definitely on Boston, I just worry that there still won't be anything, because so far, there just isn't anything.

**My First Car Accident**

(I thought some little hearts and flowers around the subject line would be appropriate a la a children's book like My First Trip to the Zoo or My First Pee-Pee in the Big Potty, but I don't know if there is an html way to do hearts and flowers so the asterisks will just have to do)

So I got in my first car accident today. Well, if you don't count the time I tapped a minivan in high school causing no damage to either car, which only formerly-Santa-Cruz-now-Cambridge Jenn knows about since she was there. Interestingly enough, this scenario played out just like the experience in high school. Basically, I got rear-ended because the lady thought I was turning, looked over her shoulder to check traffic, and turned back around to see that I hadn't turned and she was too late to stop. I've almost done the same thing forty-seven thousand times myself (including once last night in Jason's car. Shhh! Don't tell him!)

The bump was pretty hard and once it dawned on me that I had been hit, I started shaking. I'm not hurt at all and Bunny only has some scratches, but I didn't stop shaking until 10 minutes after I drove away. The lady asked if we could take care of it outside of insurance, which is fine with me and my high deductible. She's a colonel in the Army so I figure she's fairly trustworthy.

And now I'm going to watch a Netflix movie and maybe take a nap because I caught the 6:40 flight out of Boston this morning. No, actually I was supposed to catch the 6:40 flight, but fog in DC delayed us until 8:30, which just makes me wish there was some way they could know that before I get to the airport so that I could have slept for another hour or two.

Still in Boston

Despite the high winds and all, I did make it to Boston Friday night. I actually left for the airport a little early considering my flight wasn't supposed to leave until 11, and I'm really glad I did. I walked up to the gate at 9:30 and suddenly they're announcing that they're boarding my flight. Yippee! Of course we didn't actually take off until 10:30, but somehow being on the plane at 9:45 made me feel like I was actually going to get to Boston that night.

Jet Blue is my new favorite airline, by the way. Especially on the leg between DC and Boston because they fly these smaller planes that have rows of two seats on both sides, which means everyone gets an aisle or a window. No poopy middle seats! Opa!

They also have Direct TV so the latest VH1 80's countdown can distract me from any turbulence and the fact that when flying into Boston you're over water until about 5 seconds before the plane touches down. Whoever decided it would be a great idea to have the runways jutting out into the Harbor was wrong.

Jason and I went out to dinner Saturday night for a late Valentine's Day/early Anniversary celebration. We had our first date 6 months ago yesterday. It's weird because for the longest time I felt like we had been dating a lot longer than we had. Like at 2 weeks or a month I could have sworn we'd been together for 6 months already. Now suddenly I don't really feel like we've been together that long. Especially as I consider my tentative plan of moving back to Boston in 6 months or so. By that point we would be up to a year of dating. But 6 months doesn't really seem so far away and still doesn't feel like we would have been dating that long. I don't really have an explanation for my changed perspective except for the fact that time is funny sometimes.

I got a call from the staffing agency yesterday telling me my job was postponed until Friday morning instead of this morning (Tuesday). I figured I could either go home and do job research or I could stay here and do job research AND catch a glimpse of Jason in the morning and at night as he dashed in between his apartment and work. The second option sounded more fun and would actually result in my getting back a little of the money I spent to change my ticket so I could leave Monday night instead of Tuesday morning (once again, I heart Jet Blue. So easy and cheap.)

Instead of doing much job research today though, I've actually spent most of the day cleaning. Well, cleaning and cuddling with the cat. Tiny is very snuggly. Part of the reason I cleaned is the one I told Jason's brother this morning and for which he thinks I'm a magnanimous and generous woman: to say thank you for letting me stay here. The other part of the reason is not so magnanimous, but since I can place the blame squarely on my mom I don't feel like too much of a twit for it. The other part of the reason is because they're boys and their place is kind of dirty and I've been coming here for 6 months and it just seems to get worse and my fingers were itching to clean the bathroom. Itching, I tell you! I would just like to say again that it's all my mother's fault. She taught me to clean young, and she taught me to clean well. Not that you can tell by my apartment excatly. I try to be clean, but I usually wind up with piles all over the place that my mother would never stand for. But sometimes the mood strikes and I just scour and disinfect and deodorize in a manner that would make her proud.

Traveling

Everyone send some good vibes to the weather/travel gods on my behalf. My flight tonight is delayed 2 hours as of right now and I'm hoping it doesn't get delayed much more or they might cancel it altogether. And this weekend is the last time I get to see Jason for a month {whine whine whine}.

Good News!

I got a contract attorney job! It starts next week. It's going to be a killer. 2 weeks, 7 days a week, 10 hours a day.

Yeah.

Here are the benefits:
PHAT paycheck! (It requires the "ph". I'm sorry, but it just does)
Document review experience, which will make me more marketable for future document review projects.

The downside (besides being really really REALLY tired) is I have to cut my trip to Boston this weekend a little short. I also have to cancel my trip to Boston for the first weekend of March. This just pretty much solidifies for me that if I want things to work out with Jason, I need to move back to Boston. We actually talked a little about that last night. He's working a lot this coming semester, and will always have kind of a random schedule now and in the future what with doing research and such. No matter what job I end up getting, I'm sure I'll be working some long hours and won't be able to really plan to take off every other weekend. In order to keep this relationship from fizzling out, I think we need to be in the same city where we can work around each other's schedules. And since I'm the more mobile of the two of us...

I sent out some more networking emails today and have a couple of phone call appointments set up. Plus, I have some more people to contact from some initial Boston networking over the past couple of weeks. I only need to find one person who knows of one employer who wants to hire me. I just have to find that person and I hope I'm going about it the right way.

If you can't tell, I'm feeling a little better today. I have had more extreme highs and lows over the past 6 months than I think I ever have before. I'd really like to get a job and feel semi-balanced emotionally for once.

************************

Oh right, Happy Valentine's Day! As someone who has spent all but two prior Valentine's Days alone, I don't generally pay much homage to this day. However, there was an abundant supply of chocolate at work, which I admit to indulging in, and my boss gave all of his women little quilted coin purses (in my office there is my boss, a 59-year old Jewish man who likes to sprinkle his conversation liberally with Yiddish exclamations, and there are 4 20-something women, all of us sassy. I think he's trying to build his own force of Charlie's Angels).

You know the trendy quilted coin purses I'm talking about. You know the ones.

I ranted about this in an email earlier, but could someone please tell me what is up with the quilted bags. I'm okay with the tiny little ones, but does anyone else find it rather incongruous to see the super-chic, urban 20-somethings dressed in their Ann Taylor toting around giant countrified, chintzy quilted bags?

Hyperventilating A Bit

I just found out that the lease on my apartment is up May 1, not June 1 like I thought. That's only 2 1/2 months!

Plus, one of my roommates just informed me that they basically only want to re-sign this lease with someone who is definitely going to be here the whole year. Which I can't promise, of course.

I was hoping that maybe I could stretch it out here through the end of the summer at least, hopefully get some contract attorney work and save some money/pay off some debts/set aside a bit to move back to Boston. Now I'm DC Bar pending, but I'm still getting the same line from the staffing agencies that I did before I was DC Bar pending. Basically, "thanks for letting us know you're still out there" and then silence. So what exactly did I pay $700 for?

No one in Boston who I've talked to has heard about ANY jobs. Plus, despite my having the impression that the DC market was somewhat better, one of my roommates just told me she probably knows of 30 or so people who have moved out here with law degrees in the past year, only to move back to where they came from 8 months or so later because they couldn't break into the DC legal scene.

WHY did I go to law school?! Am I really this big of an idiot to be 29 and to have completely ruined my life with debt and useless degrees?

Bwahahahaha!

I just commented on someone's blog and the super-secret password to okay my comment was "ant pie." Hee hee.

I'm in Boston and it's snowing like crazy outside. They've upped the estimates from 8-12 inches to 16-24 inches. I just checked the FAA site and the Boston airport isn't closed so I probably will really be leaving tomorrow morning despite the weather.

Jason and I just went for a walk in the snow (pictures to follow when he emails them to me) and dug out his car a bit since we figured it would be better to do it now than at 6 AM tomorrow when he has to drive me to the airport. A member of the bishopric of Jason's ward emailed everyone last night and said they would be holding regular church services (I'm guessing they're probably the only ward in the area that did) and that we should follow the guidance of the Spirit to determine whether we should come or not. And, oh yeah, there's no parking on Brattle during a snow emergency so you can't drive to church.

I love those "You don't have to come, but if you really think about it the Spirit will tell you that you should" types of guidance/guilt trips from leadership.

I woke up this morning and looked out the window and told Jason the Spirit was giving me a big "N-O" on the whole church thing. Jason's brother Brandon said that's because I'm influenced by the spirit of evil (lest you all think he's a stick-in-the-mud, he was being sarcastic. He doesn't really think I'm evil. Not completely, at least). Whatever lets me sleep in and stay in my PJ's until 1 while the wind howls and the snow falls sounds like the right spirit to me.

You may wonder why if I'm in Boston I'm blogging rather than sitting on Jason's lap or something obnoxious like that. He's currently in the living room giving his sister lessons in basic Chinese since she leaves on a mission to Taiwan in a month. Yeah, he knows some Chinese. And he speaks Korean and German. And he's a molecular biologist. Have I mentioned how wicked smart he is?

Anyway, my point is, he and I don't have to be joined at the hip the entire time we're together. Only 2/3 of the time.

Denise Austin Rocks My World

I have finally come to the terms with the fact that due to my lack of morning person-ness, and the utter failure of the Jason and Kelly Need to Get Off the Phone Before Midnight Campaign, I am never ever ever going to be able to get up every morning and exercise before work. It's just not going to happen.

So I have a new plan of attack. Every morning from 7-8 AM, Lifetime (Television for Women) shows 2 episodes of workouts with Denise Austin. I have now begun Tivoing those episodes and will be working out after work. Last night was my first night.

At first I thought Ms. Austin would annoy the crap out of me, frankly. Who wants a perky petite blond in spandex telling them to get up off that couch and exercise already? But I wound up liking her. She seems very sympathetic and I have a sneaking suspicion we could be friends. We could share smoothie recipes and such. She is WAY too upbeat for 7 AM, but at 7 PM she's just great.

And she doesn't mess around. I can already feel inklings of the inner thigh pain that will come to full fruition sometime tomorrow. But it's like she knew that inner thigh pain was exactly what I was looking for in a workout routine. Lots of squats and lunges and things.

**********

On another note, I am so excited about this big blizzard thing!* According to the weather folks it's not supposed to start snowing hard in either DC or Boston until tomorrow, so my flight should go out tonight. Which means that not only will I be able to play in a blizzard**, but I'll be able to cuddle with a boy during a blizzard, which I've never done before, but it sounds like ever so much fun.


* Kudos to whoever gets that movie reference.
** I discovered last year that walking around in the crazy whited-out world of a blizzard is really fun.

Advise Me

I am by no means giving up on this whole attorney job search thing. But the truth is, unless you have real experience OR did a 2nd summer associateship OR found something before you left law school, finding a job afterwards is hard. There just aren't a lot of positions out there and it takes a lot of time to search all the job boards and do the extensive networking that is necessary to learn about those top-secret hidden positions. It's hard to dedicate the time when you also have to work a full-time job of some sort to pay for rent and food and silly things like that. If you're in law school, I say do all you can to find a job now.

Anyway, I'm still looking. I haven't exhausted all of my resources yet, not by a long shot. But here's my question: when do I give up and look for something different, admitting that the legal profession has beaten me? What if in a year I still don't have a job as an attorney? What are my other options?

When I was deciding to go to law school and when I was in law school, many people made comments to me to the effect of "Law school is such a great move because there are so many things you can do with a law degree."

Like what?

I am absolutely serious. What do you do with a law degree if you're not a lawyer? I suppose there's consulting if you can get hired. OK, so you can be a lawyer or a consultant. What else? What are my options if I just cannot get anyone to hire me as a real-life lawyer? Also, what are my options that will allow me to pay off my student loans at some point in my life?

Also, why do some people get so fired up about being called an "attorney" versus a "lawyer?"

Exercise and the Bar

I did it! I got my lazy butt out of bed this morning and exercised. And it only took, um, about 5 weeks from my original planned start date of January 1. I didn't go swim because it was really cold and I am really flabby. No swimsuit for me right now. All my hard work from last summer is gone completely. I am flubbery and soft.

However, I do have a Bar pass to show for all my hard work last summer. Lately some people have been getting here via searches about the Bar so I'm going to tell you all what an attorney told me before I started Barbri and which I totally believe kept me from completely freaking out: work out every day. I usually made it 4-6 times a week during June and July. I would wake up, go swim 60-100 laps, come home and eat breakfast, go to Barbri, come home and eat lunch, study, eat dinner, study/watch TV, sleep, begin again.

My other tip: eat well. Don't eat crap, people. Lots of fruits and veggies, lots of protein, complex carbohydrates only.

I truly believe that taking care of my body primed my mind to take in all the information it needed and to endure for the 2-day test even though I had 2 hours of sleep the night before the MBE (I passed for Massachusetts and did well enough to waive into DC). Not only that, but swimming like a banshee helped me work out the stress that accumulated in all of my muscles during the course of the day. Plus I looked hot when it was all over despite having just taken the Bar.

Thinking

This post over at Feminist Mormon Housewives on prayer really spoke to me because of how I myself have been struggling with the idea of prayer and answers and such. I've always understood prayer like I think most Mormons are taught to. You pray about something, you get your answer (burning in bosom or stupor of thought), you move forward in your life based on that answer.

Lately things aren't so cut and dry for me. I question the answers I thought I had received a lot lately. Other times I don't feel like there's any dialogue going on at all and that it's just me throwing out my hopes and needs to God without feeling anything in return.

There are several things that I'm not really understanding and am mulling over right now.

One, moving to DC felt so right. I really wanted to make the right decision. I made it with a lot of earnest prayer and a lot of looking in all places for answers to be sure it was right. Then I met Jason four days before I moved here. After our marathon first date when I recognized the connection we had and couldn't wait to see him again the next day and was already trying to figure out how to make that happen and wondering how desperate I would seem and deciding whether I should email him or call him, I remember saying my nightly prayers and asking God, "What EXACTLY am I supposed to do with this?"

Last Spring I felt like if I stayed in Boston I wouldn't be happy in a year. I felt like my future was in DC and I didn't plan to look back, except to keep in touch with friends, of course. Now I just wish I was back there so that Jason and I didn't have to play "normal couple," but could actually be a normal couple. I can come up with a couple of reasons why it's good that we've been long distance for some of this time, but it doesn't make it any easier. It also doesn't make me feel like less of a flake when I email all the attorneys I know in Boston and say, "Yeah, so remember how I was all excited about moving to DC and exploring health law and policy down here and I was so ready to leave Boston? Yeah? Just kidding. I want to come back."

Two, I received a blessing from my bishop after I decided to move to DC. In it he said that I had absolutely made the right decision to move to DC. He also said that I would have multiple job opportunities to choose from and would be greatly blessed with this decision. Well, maybe moving to DC was the right decision for the moment, but I went for 6 weeks without work after I got here, dragging myself into more debt. So far I've only had various temp assignments that I feel like I've had to fight tooth and nail for. I am finally doing something interesting and attorney-like, but it's still just temporary, and there aren't other jobs making themselves apparent. I'm extremely grateful to be working at all, even though I'm not making enough to make payments on my student loans. But what does it mean?

Three, on a less personal note, a girl in my ward passed away recently. I didn't know her, but a friend of mine is dating a guy who was pretty close with her. While she was in the hospital there were some pretty specific blessings given to her pronouncing that she would recover. What happened? According to my friend, her boyfriend is having a hard time dealing with that.

So in addition to prayer, I am also wondering about the nature of Priesthood blessings. Are they supposed to be soothsayings? Are we supposed to believe that the men in our lives who hold the Priesthood are transformed into fortune tellers for that brief period? Are specific predictions merely the vanity of mortals hoping they know the mind of God? I think I'd almost feel better if blessings just offered comfort rather than any specifics because that seems more likely to be what we will get.

I still pray all the time. At night, in the morning when I remember, before meals, when I'm worried or concerned about someone or something. I still pray for particular things. I don't know if the answers will come, but I'm slowly learning not to freak out about them as much if they don't. I try really hard to let the big things go, and trust them to God. Like worries I have about my family. I have no way to help those who are hurting or struggling, but I can pray for them and recognize that God wants the same peace for them that he so often gives me.

And I do feel that I get peace so often, even when nothing else seems to come together. When I open myself up, when I loosen my stranglehold on my need to control things and to have a plan, I often feel that peace come rushing in, almost like it was just waiting for me to allow a place for it in my heart. So maybe it's not about the concrete answers. Maybe, like one of the commentators to the Feminist Mormon Housewives post said,

"while God is present in our lives, the main offerings are support, peace, and understanding. I just think that our lives are journeys and God is there to provide support, not necessarily direct solutions."

You Know You Need A Job Bad AND You're A Total Geek When...

I'm applying for an attorney opening at a certain department that works with health publicly in Boston and I'm all excited about sending out my resume to an actual open position in actual health law.

Legal Writing

Anyone else remember their legal writing professor explaining how formal they needed to be and how you needed to sound all official and junk? The partner I'm working with just told me that I need to develop my own voice, and criticized another attorney's writing that is very official and cold. Okey-doke.

Touring

When I moved here I thought that one of the bonuses of living to DC was the easy access to national treasures held in museums and monuments. However, I have fallen victim to the "you never visit when you live there" syndrome and had not even set a toenail in one of the Smithsonians. The last time I set foot near a monument was the day after my friend Liz and I drove here from Boston.

All of that changed on Saturday. Jason has been on my case for some time about how we need to DO something during his visits here. I know he's right, but somehow amid running errands and important things like watching The Simpsons we can be pretty lazy when he's here. I am now determined to go to a museum each time he comes.

Our inspiration to get off of our butts and head downtown came in the form of his parents who were in town this past weekend too. How's that for good timing? So I met his parents and they were very nice. (I have yet to hear their reviews of me, but I'm hoping for raves.) Jason's mom loves museums so they spent 3 days in a row I think just wandering through as many museums as they could.

Saturday morning Jason and I headed into the District. We met up with his parents and then split up again so they could go look at some art and we could go the Air and Space Museum. Plus they had to get to their super-duper, doubleplusgood tour of the White House, including a visit to the Oval Office.

The Air and Space Museum was my first Smithsonian adventure. Because of my dad and my Papaw, I have lots of early exposure to airplanes and airplane museums. When Mamaw and Papaw came to Tucson, we all went to The Pima Air Musum where I remember being completely in awe of the huge planes. I adopted a gigantic cargo plane with a bulbous appendage on its nose and named it Goofy. Another time, we went to see the missile silos out in Green Valley. I thought of my dad a lot as we went through the museum, which was very appropriate since it was his birthday Saturday!

Highlights included:
- Recently declassified information on early spy satellites. Jason's favorite fact: before digital imaging, the satellite cameras took pictures and then jettisoned cannisters of film with parachutes that were snagged by airplanes. In one early picture of Red Square you can see the long line of people waiting to see Lenin's Tomb.
- Lots of stuff on the early space program. I've always been a fan of The Right Stuff and did a huge report on the Gemini Project in 5th grade.
- The World War One exhibit, which actually wound up being more about WWI than strictly about aviation in the war, but since I'm a history buff, I liked it. WWI was such a tragic war. My great-grandpa (Pop) was gassed in the trenches in WWI and lived to the ripe old age of 86. We're a hearty bunch.
- Jason's favorite, the aircraft carrier exhibit. I liked seeing the planes take off and land from the bridge.

Afterwards Jason bought me an insanely expensive soft pretzel (because I was craving one and he's nice that way) and we walked around a bit, enjoying the beautiful, very non-January weather. We walked through a sculpture garden where a hippie couple asked us to take their picture, and then took ours in return.

See the pyramid behind us? It's made of cinder blocks and goes up in steps, like something at Teotihuacan. I really wanted to climb it. Jason said no. Fine, then.


We met up with his parents at the Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden. I'm always so surprised at how much I like some kinds of modern art because I typically think of myself as having more traditional tastes. But the giant circle of perfectly composed fragments of flint really grabbed me. And so did the faceless black head on the black piece of wood titled "Do Not Go Gently." And the giant swirl of wire dry cleaner hangers. There was a great Calder fish mobile that I'd love a miniature of.

Then it was off to Old Town for a seafood dinner and ice cream at an old-fashioned soda shop.

Sunday was busy as we went to church, drove Jason's parents to the airport, attended Evensong at the National Cathedral, and hung out with Jason's crazy friend Frank, his wife, and basically his wife's ENTIRE family. Good thing I'm not shy anymore, huh? I actually had a great time, especially watching all the little kids run around. And run around they did. I think I'd be very tired as a mom.

Working Girl

I'm working again. The little firm where I've been working told me on Friday that they'd like to have me back after the week I took off in Boston and turning in my DC Bar application. So I'm here now and apparently I'm sort of a lawyer. This morning the partner gave me some work to do on a few cases. About an hour later, one of those clients called the office and asked for the partner. When I called him to transfer the call he sounded surprised and said, "That's your case now" and gave me succinct instructions on what to do. I actually talked to a client and sounded responsible and together and told him I'd call him back later because I just got his file and I need to look through it. So I'm learning the delay tactics right away, which is apparently very important in the legal profession.

Anyway, I don't think the letter I write to the client this afternoon with all of his documents attached will be signed by me since a) I'm not really a lawyer at this firm, and b) I'm only DC bar-pending after all, but it's still cool to feel trusted and like they think I can actually talk to a client for 5 minutes without completely trashing the firm's reputation.

Guess Who's DC Bar-Pending?

That's right, baby!

Kelly Needs*

Kelly needs a quivering antennae.
For when the cable goes out and I've watched all my Tivoed stuff, I presume. Or to aid my sensory perception and help me keep away from predators. One of the two.

Kelly needs some editing
You tell me.

Kelly needs friction massage.
Mmm, yes, please!

Kelly needs to be part of a loving, committed marriage.
Don't look at me. Google said it.

Kelly needs to prepare and think about a hundred different things.
Always.


*Type "[your name] needs" into a Google search and let the hilarity ensue.

BAR NUMBER!

Freakin' &%#*@#*@!!!

Sorry.

I just discovered that I'm still missing one little thing from my DC Bar application. My bar number. I just emailed the nice lady at the Supreme Judicial Court to ask her about whether it actually is the number that was on my swearing in materials because if so, then no problem. If not, then I need to find out how to get the number and I'm really hoping there is some magical way I can get it tomorrow so I can turn in my DC Bar application, which turned out being the ONLY reason I went to Boston this week (as you all may remember) and didn't try to get any temp work and why after I pay rent next week I'll be eating Mac and Cheese with Tuna for awhile.

The Interview That Really Wasn't

As I told Jason, apparently the reason I came to Boston was to pull together the materials for my DC Bar application. I didn't really have an interview it seems. Oh sure, I put my suit on and had the jitters and took the T down to the firm and met with one of the partners. But as soon as we sat down in her office she basically said that she saw my resume and thought it was interesting and wanted to meet with me, but who knows when they'll be hiring again, but it's good to have resumes on file.

Um...K.

So we chatted for 20 minutes or so and I told her about me and my experience and she told me about the firm and said she'd pass on my info to the health care people too.

Afterwards I stopped by the office of the attorney I interned for last year to say hi. When I explained the not-so-much interview to her she looked flabbergasted and said, "Are you kidding? They had you come up for that? That's bizarre." After a pause she said, "Well, maybe they're going to be hiring someone in the near future and wanted to get you in to talk to kind of feel you out." So that's a thought I suppose.

I'm trying not to feel too discouraged. I liked the firm a lot from their webiste, and everything the partner told me today just confirmed my initial impression. It sounds like they would be a great firm to work for. But that hopeful, maybe they'll hire me feeling is obviously gone since, you know, they're not hiring.

On the other hand, right now I have about 27 resumes out there and I've only heard back from 5 firms. I know one firm that I sent a resume to in DC is actually hiring because the HR person called me asking me to send them a transcript and writing sample too. And next week I'll get on the job boards again and send out some more. One young attorney I was talking to who did this process not too long ago told me that she set a goal for herself to get out 3 resumes a week. Since January 1 I haven't had a problem meeting that standard, so I just have to keep it up.

It's been great to be here this week though. I turned in my swearing in materials and am officially a barred attorney in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts! I got my law school certification and my certificate of good standing from Mass to turn in with my DC Bar application, which is complete except for entering in the date that I was admitted to the Mass Bar. Tomorrow when I get home I'll print out the DC Bar app and Friday I'll head down to the DC Court of Appeals and hand it in, thus making me eligible for contract attorney work and maybe I'll be able to not drain my bank account in between every paycheck for once.

I also got to have lunch and dinner yesterday with 2 different friends. If anyone is wondering, the Sesame Shrimp Salad at John Harvard's is excellent. I'm also a big fan of their chicken pot pie.

I've also had a good time with Jason. It's almost like we're a normal couple, hanging out every day, running errands together, being all, well, normal. Like last night he had a choir practice so I went to dinner with Santa Cruz Jenn (who is Cambridge Jenn while doing a post-doc this year) and then met up with him afterwards. We came back to his place and watched a movie (Shaun of the Dead. Hilarious! I was only too grossed out when one of the cast was, um, disemboweled. Ewww! But they're zombies, so that's to be expected). Normal is so nice when it's just been a weekend here and a weekend there for the past 5 months.

So, Um, That Was Kind Of Weird

Something weird happened today as I was sitting in the dining room of my new hair stylist getting my hair cut. I was checking out the titles of the books on her bookshelf as she trimmed away when suddenly the room went kind of skewed. It was only for an instant, but for that instant I had a full sense of what people are talking about when they say "the room was spinning." Weird, right?

When I was younger I remember family members talking about how Nana had vertigo. When I looked it up in my Funk & Wagnalls (yes, I owned my very own Funk and Wagnalls) it only confused the matter more because I got the idea that it meant you get sick because things seem to spin around when you're up high. So could Nana not stand on stepstools or ladders or what? At 5' 10" Nana was a giantess in her small Missouri farming community, but I don't consider 5' 10" to really be a high place. So why did she get vertigo?

Of course seeing the Alfred Hitchcock movie several years later just confused the matter for me.

I think what it means is that things just spin, period, without you necessarily having to be up high. So is my spinning head this morning a touch of vertigo? How do you know if you have vertigo? Do I have a propensity for vertigiousness because my Nana had it?

On the upside, my hair is cute again! I am so thrilled. I haven't had my hair cut in 8 months. 8 MONTHS! For the past few years I've been getting my hair cut on average every 3 months. Then right before graduation I got my hair cut, dyed and highlighted, which lasted me through the graduation celebration, the Bar and my post-Bar trip. I fully intended to get a trim before heading to DC in the hopes that I would look stylish and impressive for any potential interviewers, but it didn't happen.

Days, weeks and eventually months passed with my hair getting longer and more scraggly. I sent an email to the ward listserv and got several hairdresser recommendations, but I just never got around to it/didn't want to fork over the money. It occurred to me last week that I should probably get my hair cut before my interview on Wednesday so I at least feel confident and pulled together. And lo and behold, this week a girl sent an email to the listserv advertising her sister's hair styling services. She just had a baby and is working out of her home and is super cheap.

Sign? Why, yes, I think so.*

I went over to her apartment this morning. When she opened the door I was duly impressed by her cute haircut and sassy highlights despite having given birth a mere 7 weeks ago. That's dedication to style, people. I knew I was in good hands.



* I'm just going to say everything that happens in my life from now on is a sign. It's more fun that way.

I've Hit the Website Wall

I was going to write an entry last night, but I was just too darn tired and wound up dozing off in front of the TV watching a Tivoed episode of Waiting For God at around 10:30 PM. Some of you may say, "Why, Kelly, 10:30 is a perfectly respectable time to be dozing off." And I would reply, "Yes, that may be true, but I'm usually a night owl who goes on 6 or 7 hours of sleep and I don't need to be up until 7 AM because I have fine-tuned my morning routine so that I can shower, eat breakfast, and catch some Headline News and my daily Weather Channel report all before I catch the bus to get me to work at 9. Plus, I usually wind up talking to Jason at 11 or 12."

Last night I had a feeling reminiscent of hitting that wall last July when I was studying for the Bar. That wall where no more information can be crammed into my head and all further reading and lectures are just clicking sounds. See, I've been writing a website. No, not this website, the website for the firm. (Huh, I never put that whole "this is a website and that is a website and maybe that website is the reason I'm not writing much lately on this website" thing together before). I did some writing for the firm's website before Christmas, but the majority has been done since the holidays. Right now the website document is 104 pages, and I think I probably drafted at least 60 of those.

Basically over the past month or so I have had a crash course in elder law, trusts and estates law, and disability law. I knew some of the trusts and estates stuff from the Bar and from the class I took last Spring, but in a more general sense, not in the detail that is needed to fully explain the concepts. This is the way it's gone down: the attorneys give me a topic, I research it for a couple of hours, and then write write write some little synopsis that is client-friendly. I've learned a massive amount of information, but as of last night, my brain is full. One of the attorneys and I were making final edits to a section last night and as she was explaining a fine point that needed to be added, I realized that I no longer had any idea what she was talking about. Good thing it's almost done.

My one consolation is that unlike the Bar, I don't have to spew all of this information forth on a 2-day exam in the next week or so. I just tuck it away and hope I can sound smart if someone in a future interview should happen to ask me about it.

Should I Feel Bad About My Illegal Car?

Or reasons why it's good to be a sweet-looking girl with a nice smile and the ability to make her eyes look very big and pitiful.

I took my car to get inspected on Saturday. It didn't pass the safety inspection, but I got the sticker anyway. My car has had a light on on the dashboard for, oh, about a year. I've read on some message boards about it and apparently it's rather common in my car and often ends up being nothing more than a short and not a real indication that there's a hazard. I've had oil changes and been on road trips in the meantime and the car is ok. The ONLY way I can get it checked out is to pay $80 to the dealer so they can hook it up to their extra-fancy, super-secret Ford machines to diagnose the problem. $80 bucks! And that's not even to fix it or anything, but just to hook it up. Those of you who've been reading for awhile know I've never been what you'd call "well-to-do" and $80 seems rather extreme in my mind for not even fixing the problem.

So Saturday the guy came into the waiting area at the gas station and told me that the light was on and asked if I had a place where I could take it because that was a problem for the safety inspection. I'm sure I must have looked pitiful as I told him that when I was in Massachusetts I was told that only the dealer's special machines could figure out the problem and it would cost me $80 just to get my car hooked up to the machine. He said, "Hold on" and went out to try to hook my car up to their machines. No go. So I sat there waiting for him to finish the emissions check (which I passed fair and square) wondering where I was going to come up with $80 to get the light checked, not to mention whatever it cost to fix the thing if there was, in fact, a problem before January 31st.

The guy pulled my car out of the garage and I went out to meet him. He leaned in and said, "I'm going to pass you. But you have to get that checked as soon as you can." I nodded dumbly and thanked him profusely and drove off with my happy little inspection sticker on the windshield.

I'm feeling a little bad about this now. Like it was ok when I knew the light was on, but I still had a passing inspection sticker and knew I was fine according to the state. But now I've been told it's not ok, not really.

Here's the thing though. Last year the light was on and the Massachusetts gas station people had NO problem with it. I thought for sure it would come up, but they didn't mention it. Now, Virginia and Massachusetts have some sort of reciprocity going with their inspections so I figure it's not a huge deal if the Mass guys didn't even mention it. Of course, there's also the slim chance that my boys at my gas station in Cambridge let it slide because I always went there for gas and such. Hmm....

Well, I'm going to try not to feel too bad about it and just as soon as I am making a decent amount of money such that shelling out $80 for nothing more than hooking my car up to a machine doesn't make me choke and sputter with indignation, I'll get that light taken care of.

The Firm

It seems rather unfair that just as I'm getting really comfortable at the firm where I'm working, my last day is Friday. I've enjoyed being there, even though the atmosphere is pretty stressful at times. Not only is the workload crazy busy, but they just fired an attorney who basically didn't do anything for the four months that she worked there and they're trying to clean up her messes. A couple of clients have already terminated the firm because of their frustration with her.

Everyone else is great, though. We can be sassy and sarcastic and be appreciated for it - in fact it's encouraged, as long as the work gets done. The partner is from Newton, MA and thinks it's great that I went to BC. When we were writing up the employment manual he said that the inclement weather policy was whatever they said in Newton, MA. I replied that they never close the schools in Newton, MA and he said, "Exactly." So I typed up "Please refer to school closures in Newton, MA to determine whether the office will be open or not." My alternate policy was "The office might be closed due to inclement weather, but I wouldn't bet on it." He thought that was hilarious.

He can be a protective dad-type. On Friday he asked me if I was going to Boston over the coming weekend and I told him no, but I would be going in a couple of weeks. He looked concerned and asked me if Jason ever comes down here because it's not very fair for me to be the only one schlepping myself around (he sprinkles Yiddish words liberally in his conversation). I assured him that I go up to Boston one weekend a month and Jason comes down here another weekend. He looked satisfied and said that was alright then.

And here I have to say good-bye and start somewhere else. It's too bad they're not hiring another attorney because despite the stress and the craziness I would so apply for that job.

Knock On Wood and Don't You Be Counting Any Chickens

I got an interview. At a law firm. In Boston.

OK, now that I'm home I can tell the story. No names will be used, because I have learned much from Dooce. Actually it's not so much a story as a narrative sentence. Last week I sent out about 9 resumes to some smallish firms in Boston and today one of them called me to schedule an interview. Hurrah!

But here's the thing. It's like I was getting prepped for this starting yesterday. Yesterday I started emailing all of my temp agencies to let them know that my current assignment ends on the 20th. I got the impression from all of them that I should keep them posted but they'd really like to know when I get my DC Bar application in, and to be sure to fax them the stamped copy of the DC Bar application, and, oh yeah, how's that DC Bar application coming.

Yesterday afternoon I met with a woman over at the temp agency I'm working with right now. They place legal support staff, no attorneys, but it worked out pretty well this time. Originally I was hired to be the secretary, but after they hired their new secretary, they kept me on to do deeds and research and write articles for their website. Anyway, the temp agency lady seemed all hot and bothered about TWO prospective positions, both permanent. One was for a paralegal, one for a research assistant.

I told her that was great and all, but I would still be looking for a job as an attorney and I don't know if these people would want some sort of set commitment. She asked me if I would consider being hired on in this other capacity, if they could then bring me on as an attorney within 6 months. Yeah, ok lady, you go tell the law firms who they're hiring as an attorney. I'm sure they'll love that. I told her I was looking for a job as an attorney and that money was a factor as well, explaining to her how much I could potentially make once I get my DC Bar application in and that I have loans, etc. If she could work something out, fine, but I left there thinking, "I'm not holding my breath."

So I got back to work feeling kind of discouraged about my future in the DC legal scene. Basically I came to the conclusion that I need to get this DC Bar application thing done already. I started thinking about my options and concluded that maybe I could come up to Boston for a few days the week of the 23rd and show up at my law school and the Supreme Judicial Court to get my various certificates that I need for the DC Bar app. Just before I left work I emailed a woman at the SJC to find out how quickly I could get my Certificate of Good Standing if I turned in my swearing in materials in person.

Then things started falling into place. Last night I checked flights. Lo and behold Air Tran had just started a HUGE sale. It's the cheapest ticket I've seen in between here and Boston since Jason and I started with our bi-monthly trips. And it's only $50 to cancel. I figured if I got a temp job that week after all then I could cancel and it wouldn't be a huge deal.

This morning I had a reply from the woman at the SJC who told me I could get my Certificate immediately if I showed up and turned in all my materials in person.

About an hour later the firm called to schedule an interview.

Hmmm. I guess I'm going to Boston week after next.

Jason says I look for signs too much and I'm too fatalistic, but I just think that when everything falls into my lap in a tidy little package, it's not all happenstance. I'm not trying to decipher it really. I mean, maybe the firm and I will not click and it won't be the right job. But maybe this was the reason I needed to get up there to get the DC Bar app done. Or maybe the firm and I will rock each other's worlds. We'll see. Either way I'm excited that I'll be able to get the application done finally and I'm excited about the interview and I'm excited that I don't have to wait 3 weeks to see Jason after all.

Dance Dance Revolution

This is an awesome website, although if you're skittish about the booty talk, then I would suggest not clicking on any of the Booty Bass buttons.

It took me back to my days as a raver. Yes, your local good little Mormon girl has been to a few raves in her time. I was always the designated driver, but frankly I never felt like I needed any mind-altering substances to enjoy myself. In fact sometimes I would get so wrapped up in it that I think I would have been too overwhelmed with something else in my system. Just me and several hundred other people all writhing around to the beat in a huge smoky room (or one time on the fringes of the desert) with lights flashing everywhere. Soon it was 4 AM without me really realizing it.

There were also lots of good times in the Happiness Is Submission to God apartment* with me, Santa Cruz Jenn, a blue lightbulb in a ball-shaped Japanese lantern, and an Orbital CD.

I never dance anymore. Well, that's a lie. I dance in my bedroom. I dance in my bathroom. Just the other night I shook my booty a little to New Order when Jason and I were cooking dinner. I just don't dance so much in public anymore.


* On Euclid and 6th in Tucson there is a building with "Happiness is Submission to God" painted on the side. Jenn and I lived in one of the attached apartments. Yeah, how cool were we?**

** My apologies to Jordan for snagging her asterical comments, but they're very useful.

Will Work for Student Loan Payments

I was in Boston this weekend. I always feel so popular when I'm in Boston, and not just because I have a cuddly boy there who seems to think I'm neat. I go to church and I have friends. Check it out, I have FRIENDS! Friends who are happy to see me and tell me so. One said she always feels a little happier when I'm there at church with them. Yes, I'm sure she was exaggerating a bit, but that's not the point. It still made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm feeling a bit more positive, probably partly because it's been less than 24 hours since I've seen Jason.* But there are a couple of other reasons.

First, in the mail today I received instructions from Massachusetts telling me how to get sworn in remotely. According to them I just have to get sworn in via a method recognized by the jurisdiction where I am getting sworn in. Anyone happen to know how you can get sworn in in DC? Do I have to go to a judge, a clerk of court, a notary?

I'm still waiting to hear back from Mass as to whether I got the requisite 133 on the MBE. It would be nice if they'd just TELL US how we did on the MBE. What's the big secret? Other jurisdictions give people their scores when they tell them whether they passed or not. I'd kind of like to know, since the MBE was FREAKIN' HARD whether I barely scraped by and my essays made up the slack, or if I surprised myself and got in the 150's or higher. It would also make this whole waiving into DC process less complicated. But then they couldn't charge me $25 just to tell me whether or not I got a 133. Not to give me my actual score, mind you, but to say, Yes, you did get above a 133, or No, you didn't get above a 133.

Anyway...

What was the second thing...? Oh yeah.

Second, the job postings are looking up, in that firms are actually posting a job or two here and there. A couple of them actually want entry-level type people. For awhile the job board that I pay a monthly fee for was chock full of volunteer attorney positions, but no real jobs. I don't think a board that charges you a fee should be allowed to post volunteer projects when you can probably google volunteer + attorney + boston and come up with the same thing. Maybe I'll write a strongly-worded letter telling them exactly what I think about that.

Third, my temp job got extended until the 20th, which gives me one more week of a paycheck, which is always a good thing. I'm liking this job pretty well because they do a lot of health care and estate planning stuff. It reminds me a bit of what I did at my job while I was in law school. I'm researching and writing, but then they also have me drafting deeds and some other things that feel more useful. They got rid of an attorney at New Years (but they're not hiring another one), so I'm helping wrap up some of her cases. It's almost like lawyering! Sort of.


*Um, yeah, have I mentioned that I really like him? Oh, you noticed?

Blogging

I have come to the realization that there is a distinct lack of funny going on at Chez Blog Kelly. This time last year I had a couple of friends who told me they read my blog and it cracked them up and I should really write, which was my failsafe in the back of my head should the whole law thing not work out. Well, the law thing isn't working out yet, but I don't think I can fall back on my writing prowess since a) I don't think I can find anyone to pay me to write a blog, and b) my writing is dreary and dull lately.

I've come up with a couple of reasons why my blog is less lighthearted than it used to be.

1) I have a boyfriend now. I have to save all my funny for him so he will be continually entranced by my wit and think I'm the most interesting girl ever and, as a side benefit, not notice my expanding hips. He reads the blog too so I can't be all funny here and then go send him an email saying the same thing. I think he'd feel a bit unspecial.

2) Um, if you haven't noticed, my life just isn't really feeling all that lighthearted lately. I have student loans coming due that I have no possible way to pay and am sending off forbearance and deferment forms when what I really, really want to be doing is sending in payments so my debt will actually go away someday.

I'm making half of what I could be making because the freakin' state of Massachusetts still hasn't sent me the info on how to swear into the Mass Bar so I can send in my DC Bar application. I've called several times and have been told that it's coming. Never mind that I'm almost 98% positive that I gave them my new address so the fact that they sent my Bar results to my old address first and by the time it got forwarded to me I had missed the RSVP for the swearing-in ceremony is distinctly their fault.

My thighs and hips are expanding and I'm feeling like all that hard work I did last year was for nothing because I've basically gained it all back now. I'm not up to pre- and early-Boston weight, but I'm up nonetheless. And I just can't get myself out of bed at 5 AM to go swim, which is the best way my body loses weight, because I'm working all day and trying to look for a real job at night.

I'm really lonely here in DC. I talked about that before, but it's still true. However, I had dinner with a friend last week and got invited to a SCANDALOUS Adult Tupperware-esque Party (by a Mormon friend, no less) in a couple of weeks, so that has helped.

I'm continually discouraged in my job search. I get myself all psyched up, thinking I'm going to hit the job boards and send out resumes to firms and network with my contacts and SOMEthing will work out of course! Then I actually go to the job boards and realize that no one hires entry-level attorneys. I send out resumes and get a pile of thanks, but no thanks letters. I talk to my contacts and am told that the job market sucks (I'm paraphrasing).

This time last year I was stressed out, but I still had hope that I would find a job, that this move to DC would work out great. So I apologize for my blog being so bleh lately. I want to keep it going because it is a good outlet for me, but it's not as fun as it used to be for me either. I don't know...I guess I need to think about it.

Day 3 of No Sugar and Food Is Already Conspiring Against Me

Today at work we have a lovely selection of Ghiradelli chocolate squares, dark chocolate covered almonds, AND a Godiva chocolate selection. I curse thee, gods of sugar! Thou willst not tempt me with thy fine confections!

This has pointed out to me HOW MUCH crap I've been eating because there's always crap on the counter at work and why my hot butt pants officially fit again after being baggy for months. I draw consolation from the fact that even though this means I'm back up a size, at least my butt looks hot.

I discovered last night that the Gingerbread Cake on the stand right when you walk into Trader Joe's has sugar listed as the 5th ingredient! I figured that was good enough as I picked it up to take over to a friend's house for dinner. Step away from the Chocolate Midnight Cake and go for the Gingerbread Cake.

What the Neon Green Sticker On the Ford Explorer in Front of Me Said

"This car violates New York City parking laws. Your street was unable to be cleaned because of this car."

They don't kid around in New York. Not only do they give you a ticket, but they tag your car with a bright green, apparently unremovable sticker that tells the neighborhood why they have the dirtiest street in the city that week. Which sticker also explains why the anal-retentive neighbors have slashed your tires.

That's Right!

Your Nail Polish Color is Red

How you're unique: You have an incredible eye for style and art Why your style rocks: You are classic and classy - and that's hot! What this color says about you: "I'm smart, sassy, and sexy. And I know it."

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

Here are a couple of pictures of the gingerbread house that Jason and I made in December.

I'm particularly proud of our cobblestone pathway of generic M&M's.

A New Year

It’s a new year, time for a new blog look. I’ve been feeling bored with the old one.

Resolutions? Anyone?

Resolution Number 1: I am seriously back on the diet and exercise wagon. I’m gaining weight, I’m feeling like crubbish. Starting tomorrow I’m on my no sugar plan again. I managed to not eat sugar except for one splurge day a month for 6 months in 2005. Everything kind of fell apart after the Bar Exam as I justified eating anything yummy in the name of celebration. Ironically I was in the best shape I’ve been in since college or so when I took the Bar Exam. I was swimming almost every day and eating very well. That's probably key to why even though I was stressed, I actually felt good about myself and managed to pass the Bar.

I bought some Haagen Daaz chocolate chocolate chip today to celebrate my last day of sugar. Tomorrow: no sugar, no white flour. AND I’m going to give no caffeine a shot too. Dum dum dum! We’ll see how that whole no caffeine thing goes. I may cave on that one.

Starting Monday, I’m working out again. That’s right! Pulling my lazy butt out of bed first thing in the morning.

Resolution Number 2: I need to figure out once and for all where I am going to be. I’ve been playing this back and forth game between Boston and DC for the past four months and all it’s done is make me feel flighty and alone.

I haven’t assimilated into my DC ward in any sense. It’s hard enough to find your place in a singles ward. Since I’ve been gone one weekend a month and generally sleeping in past my 9 AM Sacrament Meeting and going to a later ward on a second Sunday, I’m sure the ward is very concerned about my activity level. Well, if they’ve even realized I’m there at all.

Here’s the saddest part of all of this. It’s New Year’s Eve and I am home alone redoing my blog template. OK, actually the geek in me thinks redoing the blog template is fun, but the point is, I’m home alone. Jason and I couldn’t be together because it was too pricey. He asked me today why I wasn’t going out with anyone tonight and I pointed out to him that I have no friends here. Well, that’s not totally true. I do have some people I’m friendly with here, but not really anyone to hang out with on a regular basis. I took a step outside of my introverted self yesterday though and asked a work friend what she was doing and if I could tag along. Unfortunately, she herself is crashing a gathering tonight and didn’t think it would be cool to bring a total stranger, which I agree with. (But on the upside, we might be getting together to do something later this week).

Anyway, as I feel myself spiraling further into this isolated depression, I know that trying to meet some people around here is key. And I need to get a job. That would help the depression a lot too. Soooo, Boston or DC? We shall see. I'll keep you posted.


OK, so these resolutions are sort of a bunch of little resolutions within resolutions. Basically right after I took the Bar I was on top of the world. I wasn't sure if I had passed, but I had completed the process and felt proud of that. I looked good and was feeling sassy. I was looking forward to moving to DC and the exciting adventures in lawyering that awaited me. Unfortunately the DC thing hasn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. But I'm getting back into my job search and something will come up. At the very least I'll finally get sworn into the Mass Bar, file my DC Bar application, and be able to make more than I am right now (that is, if the Mass Bar ever gets around to sending me the info I need to get sworn in. Last time I called they said it would be going out next week). Anyway, what I really want is to be back in the good place I was in a few months ago. That is my ultimate goal.

Those Crazy Mormons

I am back at work, mercifully migraine-free. Hallelujah!

I always think of this story when the Mormons Are So Weird stories turn to tales of polygamy.

During our study of late-19th century American Government my senior year of high school, we came across that Supreme Court case outlawing polygamy. Despite growing up in a 5-stake city, I was usually the only Mormon my friends associated with on a regular basis. Unlike everyone else in my ward who went to the neighborhood high school, I went to a high school in the middle of the city where the Mormon population was decidedly lower. I think there were probably 40 of us out of the 2000 or so students.

So when the teacher stopped his lecture on the polygamy case and looked contemplative for a moment, I knew I was in trouble. He began with, "Now I just don't understand this whole polygamy thing." {pause} "Is anyone here Mormon?"

My lone little hand slowly went up as my friends who knew my religion turned to look at me.

The teacher then proceeded to ask me in front of the entire class, "So what was up with that polygamy thing?"

Um.... Red-faced, I mumbled something about traditional families, more women than men, survival on the trek West, blah blah blah.

I still don't have a good answer for that one, but I must say that Mr. McAndrew could have taught a course on how not to win over a 17 year-old. (Between that and his diatribes on the Vietnam War with multiple pronouncements about all of his buddies who came home in body bags, the man had issues).

The good thing about me being outed as a Mormon in Government class is that I became known as "a cool Mormon" for the first time. I may also be cool because when we had a free day and everyone was drawing and playing Hangman, I wrote the counting part from "Kiss Off" by the Violent Femmes on the board.*


*Did I mention I went to a nerd high school? Yeah, that's key.

Back in DC

Yes, it's true. I'm back in DC, all alone in my little apartment. I am supposed to be at work, but I sent myself home sick. I had a headache yesterday and I thought it had gone away, but by the time I got to work this morning it was a full-fledged migraine. After an hour and a half of attempting to get work done, I admitted to myself that five minutes of work followed by ten minutes of cradling my forehead in my hand with my eyes closed was probably not the best recipe for productivity.

I did all of my remedies: ice pack, Coke Slurpee (something about the frozen caffeine usually nips the migraine in the bud), Excedrin, Ibuprofen in case it's being cause by tension in my shoulders. I had a veritable over-the-counter drug cocktail going on. Nothing was working, but now finally it seems to be gradually seeping away. I hope it goes away completely. One of the cruddy parts of this whole temping thing is that I get no sick days, so I got a whole hour and a half of pay today. That's not going to pay rent, now is it? At least it's a slow time at the firm because of the holidays so I don't feel like I'm completely leaving them in the lurch.

How cool is this? My dad's sisters gave him a coonskin cap for Christmas. Apparently when he was 8 or so he had the entire Davy Crockett ensemble, complete with buckskin shirt and pants. I would love a picture of that, but for now the picture of his mumble mumble-year-old self in the coonskin cap will suffice.

And here he is opening another present with glee:
He does glee pretty well, don't you think?

My mom showing off our Christmas PJs (she and I always have matching Christmas Eve PJs/nightgowns so we can watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Christmas movies in comfort and style . This year they were white thermals with blue flowers. Very cozy.)

My lovely olive wood holy family. A present from Jason.

And do you all know what this is from?

Department 56 had an A Christmas Story village this year, which my parents snatched up. The family's home even has the leg lamp in the front window. Fabulous!

The Haul

Do you remember coming back from Christmas break when everyone would ask everyone else, "So what did you get?" OK, well let's be honest, that still happens, doesn't it? I got:

• A pretty carved olive wood holy family (this isn't exactly the one I got, but it's similar)
• The Truth (with jokes) by Al Franken
• An Ansel Adams picture book and calendar
• Netflix gift subscription
• 2 purple cashmere cardigans (apparently there was a bit of a mix-up. My dad thought he had already bought the teal one so he got me another purple one. That's what gift receipts are for!)
• A pretty pink v-neck with sequins
• Cracker Barrel Christmas ornament. Seriously, it's a Christmas ornament shaped like the Cracker Barrel. It makes me giggle.
• The Princess Bride DVD
• Mushrooms (this is a tradition. I love mushrooms and used to steal some every time my dad opened a jar when he was cooking. One year my parents gave me a jar as a stocking stuffer. I've gotten some pretty much every year ever since.)
• A street sign that says "Swimmers Lane" that made my dad think of me and basically means I need to get my butt in gear and get back to the pool.

Anyone else? What did you get?

Tomorrow I am hitting the after-Christmas sales bright and early. I love shopping for Christmas decorations after Christmas because they're usually 75% off or something crazy like that. Target has a line of crimson and silver decorations this year that I'm hoping haven't been completely picked over. That's why I've got to wake up early. Well, the decorations and my favorite yarn that's on sale at Jo-Ann. And pretty much the entire inventory of Kohl's.

Merry Christmas!

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

What Is It About Spanish Class?

I have a recurring nightmare that pops back into my life periodically for no discernible reason. In the dream, it's coming up on finals time and I have a Spanish final coming up in a day or two. The only problem is, I went to the first day of class, and then kind of got caught up in the rest of my classes and life and all of that so I never made it back to class. In fact, the textbook is sitting in my locker with a perfectly unbroken spine. I usually spend most of the dream either crying or freaking out to a friend with a big ball of panic in my throat.

I had the dream last night and was so relieved to wake up and discover that not only do I not have a Spanish final tomorrow that I am woefully unprepared for, but in fact I am no longer in school and don't have any finals to prepare for ever again. So that's kind of nice. But it doesn't really make up for the sheer panic I felt while I was asleep. My subconscious needs to relax.

Harvey Says, "Merry Christmas!"

Sorry he's so blurry. It's really hard to get a good picture of him because apparently my hands shake so the flashless pictures are blurry, but he's really reflective, so I can't use the flash.

Isn't his Christmas schwag pretty?

Jason made me a bunch of Christmas CD's that I'm loving. There is one of Irish Christmas music and then several of Christmas choral music, including Nine Lessons and Carols from Kings College Chapel. The music is beautiful and there's something, I don't know, fancy about scripture read in a British accent.

Sacred choral music is Jason's little red wagon and he's trying to teach me about it, although my apathy is making me a slow learner. I think it's great that he loves it and I will go to concerts and support him and listen to it with him, but I don't feel the need to know all of the composers and be able to recognize in just a couple of notes who wrote the song because it's so typical of Vaughan Williams or whoever. Jason is expanding my horizons, though, and isn't that part of what this whole couple thing is about after all. I wonder how I expand his horizons. Teaching him the finer points of the Pixies? Instructing him on why make-up isn't really evil after all? (And my mom thought I'd never land a man because I didn't wear enough make-up. I bet she didn't figure on my finding a great guy who recoils in horror whenever I threaten to kiss him with a lipsticked mouth).

This past weekend we went to Maryland to see a big Winter Lights display on Saturday. My one complaint is that it was a 3 1/2 mile drive through sparse decorations. I would have much preferred a walking tour through a denser display of lights. But the characters were very cute and I think we got some cute pictures. Then we saw King Kong, which rocked. I'm still a little freaked out when I think about the giant bugs, though. And I actually like bugs. I can't imagine how the squeamish people took that scene.

Sunday we saw the Master Chorale of Washington perform their Christmas candlelight concert. The music was beautiful and the conductor was funny and charismatic. I kind of wonder how much of a chummy type of guy he really is, though. Every time he told a joke that made the audience laugh uproariously, I glanced at the choir to see their reactions. I saw a slight smile or two, but no big smiles on their faces and definitely no laughing along. So either the jokes are old and they've heard them all before OR he's a hellish taskmaster and the choir hates him OR the choir was just in the zone and I am a Philistine for expecting them to unfocus enough to notice a little joke or two.

As promised, the Swiss Chalet advent calendar:

Obscure Griping

I'm pretty sure only me and some health care professionals and health care attorneys care about this, but I'm really annoyed with CMS (The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services). They redesigned their website, which is great because their old website was a big stinkin' piece of crubbish, but now ALL the links from ALL the websites in the entire world that used to link to some CMS resource are wrong and send you to an error page.

This is not helpful when I'm trying to do research and just trying to find out which state Medicaid plans offer Hospice benefits (there used to be a page at CMS that would tell me that according to Google and a bunch of hospice websites). Could they have maybe kept the same links or told me where the new pages are or SOMETHING?

Sigh. OK, I'm done now.

Does Need = Love?

I'm ruminating and I wonder what other people think. I've been thinking about the whole concept of needing someone. A friend sent me an email forward about a man and a woman where she asks him a series of questions and he says no to every single one, then responds with something even better. For instance, one of the questions is something like "Do you want me?" and he says, "No," then tells her, "I don't want you, I need you." (He also says No, she isn't pretty, she's beautiful. Along those lines.)

It got me thinking about the whole concept of needing someone. When I was with my ex, I needed him. But that wasn't necessarily a good thing. I needed him to be there for me and to build me up because I was incapable of doing it for myself. I needed him to tell me I was pretty and smart because I didn't believe that I was. I needed him to be my other half (a phrase we used often) because I didn't feel like a complete person without him.

I remember bursting into tears in my roommate's car one day because I could feel my relationship with the ex falling apart and I was powerless to stop it because he had stopped talking with me. I felt like half of me was being amputated because that is the power I had given him in my life.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years, with a year of therapy and anti-depressants under my belt, and I realize that I never want to feel that way again. Maybe it's self-preservation. I prefer to think that it's just me realizing how unhealthy it is to see myself as inextricably wrapped up in another person. I'm sure the ex wasn't destroyed when he broke up with me because despite his words, it wasn't really how he felt. I, unfortunately, did.

If Jason and I broke up tomorrow would I disintegrate into nothing, needing a couple of years to pull myself together again? I don't think so. I would be very, very sad, of course, because I do love him and love being with him and it would be awful if he didn't want to be with me anymore. But that girl who fell apart, it's just not who I am anymore. More importantly, it's not what our relationship is. I don't see us as two halves of one person, but two people coming together to create this (what I consider) pretty cool couple. We both have our individuality, and sometimes that strains things because we both have fairly strong opinions and don't always look at things the same way. But so far that's working, I think because we're both willing to compromise and we both want the other one to be happy.

So what does it mean to need someone? Is it ok to need a certain person? Is need in love the same sort of need as in, I need water or I need air? What is "need"?

Positive Movement

It's official. The new administrative assistant is starting on Wednesday, which means I won't be doing the admin stuff anymore, but will instead be doing more interesting, substantive work. Right now I'm researching the changes in estate taxes for 2006 to write up something for a newsletter. Hurrah! (Now if only they'd pay me what they pay her. I typed up her offer letter on Friday so I know for a fact she's making more than I am. Plus benefits.)

Negative bit: they know I have a boyfriend in Boston. They were all asking for updates on the weather on Friday with the whole will she or won't she make it to Boston this weekend situation. So I think the odds of them hiring me for real, which were never great since I don't think they want to hire a permanent attorney and why would they when they can get me at bargain-basement temp rates and still have me doing semi-substantive stuff, are pretty slim because they know about the Boston boy. I should just shut my big mouth and say I'm visiting "a friend."