I haven't written anything very substantive on my blogs for a little while now because I've been preoccupied. I've been waiting until an appropriate time to share some news here, and in the meantime I've been drafting posts about what's been going on to post once I could talk about it.
But now there's nothing really to share except this: I'm waiting to have a miscarriage.
I've written a bit about our struggles to have a baby. As of next January, we will have been trying for 3 years. We've been to doctors and the problem has been figured out and essentially fixed, so we've only been really trying with everything working well for about 8 months or so.
In September we planned to do an IUI at the fertility clinic, only it seemed like I never ovulated, which is weird since I'm like clockwork. Imagine my surprise a few weeks later when I got two positive pregnancy tests. After all of the doctors and appointments and everything, we had done it on our own!
For the last month I've been experiencing pregnancy symptoms - all-day nausea, bloating, gas, sore boobs. These things were irritating on one hand, and exciting on the other, because it meant I was growing a baby.
Only, no.
Thursday night, Jason and I went to the hospital for my first ultrasound. I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, so we expected to see our teeny baby for the first time and to hopefully hear its heartbeat. Instead, there was nothing. A yolk sac, indicating that things had started out well, but no baby. The fetus never grew.
The technician couldn't tell us what it meant, because that's not her place, but it was clear from her face, and painfully obvious that there was just no baby.
We left the hospital devastated. At 9 1/2 weeks, I had already imagined telling family and friends in a few weeks. I was so excited to be able to share this right before Christmas. Based on the conception date, baby would have arrived around June 15, which meant having the summer to spend together. I envisioned possibly, once I got coordinated enough, taking baby to sit on the beach with me. We have had a dramatic shift in how we envisioned the next 8 months (and after) since Thursday night.
As much as I would like to close the chapter and have it end immediately, I'm just going to let nature take its course, which could take a couple of weeks. I spoke to my doctor on Friday afternoon and she was so kind. She even gave me her cell phone number in case I need to talk. I feel good about choosing her as my OB even though we've only interacted a couple of times.
Jason was emailing with a friend on Friday, and it must have been on his mind because she's expecting a baby, and so he told her. It turns out the same thing happened to her and her husband. She went in for the ultrasound at 9 weeks, and nothing was there. I honestly didn't know this was even a possibility. I thought if there was something wrong like that, surely you miscarried much sooner than almost 10 weeks. I can't say that I'm glad it happened to her too, because it's terrible, but it's nice to feel not so alone.
Which is really why I am writing about this. The more I talk about fertility issues, the more I realize we have lots of friends who have also struggled with having a baby. And the more we discuss miscarriage, the more friends we realize have also dealt with this. No one talks about these things, because they are personal and the hurt is deep, but it's nice to know we're not alone. Knowing there's a friend I can email when I am sad or if things get hard over the next couple of weeks who knows what I am feeling, is really a comfort to me.
I'm supposed to be 10 weeks today, but I'm just waiting for it to end. We're going to try again, of course, but today we are sad.
10 comments:
Kelly, I'm so sorry. I wish there was some magical formula I could offer in the form of words that could help heal this situation. I've been essentially non-existent in the blog-o-sphere over the past 2 years (+) and so feel a little strange just jumping in here like this to comment, except to say that my absence has been for exactly the same reason. Infertility.
With that, life's just been too busy to blog and frankly, it's a topic I just haven't wanted to talk to anyone about. After a year and a half of trying, Joe and I ended up going through another year + of tests and treatments that I could fill a book laying out; only to be told in the end that we were suffering from 'unexplained infertility'. There's no comfort in being told that your infertility is essentially a mystery and therefore irreparable. We were finally recommended for IVF and so far so good, but I must admit I don't take a single day of this pregnancy for granted; especially since we're not yet out of the vulnerable 1st trimester (I'm 11 weeks today). In any event, you are right - you are absolutely NOT alone. I will be praying for you. Even though things are difficult right now, you were able to get pregnant - and that gives a person reason to hope.
It's been a while, but this is a topic I am very well versed in (unfortunately) so if you ever want to talk or write with me about it -- please do. I believe you have my email and phone number, but if not and you want to chat just re-comment on here and I'll send them to you.
Thanks so much for the comment, Joanne. Congratulations on your own pregnancy! I hope that everything continues to go well. We are very fortunate that our problem was identifiable and fixable, and I'm grateful for that. Once my cycle starts up again, we're going to do IUI again since I think that will give us the best chance.
I'm pretty positive I have your yahoo address still, if that's the one you use now.
Oh, Kelly. I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart just aches for you and Jason. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now. I think it's true what you say--so many couples struggle with fertility but remain silent because it's such a painful subject. I have two roommates from BYU who both adopted some fantastic and beautiful children after struggling with infertility for a number of years. Then, for some reason, after 14 years of infertility for one and 17 years for the other, they both had healthy pregnancies. I don't know if stories like those help you or drive you crazy, but I'm glad to hear that you're not giving up hope. I'm sure your time will come, but in the meantime I hope you will be comforted during this sad time. I love you, girl.
Kelly, I am so so sorry. That is devastating news. This also happened to me not long after you lived with me. I was pregnant with number four, went in to find out how far along I was (as I had not gotten a period after being pregnant with Timmy), and found that there was no baby, just a yolk sac. Absolutely crushing. I hate that you are now experiencing this especially after so many years of trying. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and Jason in the next few days, weeks, and months. Better than that, I hope that we will be able to spend some time with you soon enough! Sending you both lots and lots of love!!!!
Thanks Kelly. Well, Joe and I are "cautiously optimistic". I hate to say that because it sounds faithless, but like you and Jason, we've been through an awful lot these past few years and won't truly rest easy until the baby is born.
So, the yahoo address is my old address. I'll email you my new one.
Randi, thank you. We have friends who adopted 2 little boys because they thought they couldn't have kids and then surprise wound up getting pregnant a few years later. I'm pretty philosophical about it generally. I want to have a baby, but I'm also happy with our life (and with traveling and having disposable income). But being told there's no baby when there should be one kind of destabilizes a person. Still feeling sad.
Ryann, I knew you had miscarried, but I had no idea it was this same scenario. It's a shock. I'm looking forward to seeing you soon!
Dear Kelly and Jason,
I hope you don't mind me writing. My sister sent me an email with the link to Kelly's blog post about your miscarriage. Erica and I know firsthand how painful that can be. Erica and I have actually gone through this twice, and have had experiences pretty similar to yours. In fact the first time through we actually had to do a medical termination of the pregnancy at 22 weeks because of what was called a "fatal abnormality." I won't get into the details of it, but it suffices to say that it was horrible and I hope that nobody ever has to go through what we went through. And after that experience was all over, I promised myself that I would do whatever I could to help someone else that is in a similar situation. And I know that most likely the only thing that I can do to help you is to say that even though I'm sure things seem pretty dark right now, they do get better. There are brighter days ahead. Have faith and don't let this harden you. You need to be open and ready for the good things heading your way.
Deepest sympathies,
Mike and Erica
Mike and Erica, thank you so much for your comment. It really means a lot and I'm sorry you have been through so much heartache yourselves. Deborah did tell me some of your experience. We are sad, but not broken, and we'll try again once we can.
I'm so sorry. Though I haven't experienced a miscarriage, I understand that feeling and not wanting to be alone in our pain, to know others know and can relate and be there for you.
You're very brave to share this, to let others know they aren't alone either.
Oh Kelly. I'm so very sorry to hear this. What a heartbreaking time this must be for you. Sending hugs and prayers.
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