I think I need a day off. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed lately with all there is to do and don't really feel like I've gotten much time off to relax and center myself.
Part of it is my own fault because I set expectations for myself and when I don't fulfill them I feel like I have failed. I don't cut myself a lot of slack.
Part of it is just life pressures that I don't feel like I have any control over at all.
* Work is very busy. This is a good thing, but just as I feel like maybe today might be the day when I finally get a handle on my to-do list, I get 4 or 5 more things added to it. I bring work home pretty much every day, but I either feel burnt out when I get home or there is some other commitment and then it's too late. Trust me, if I start reading a contract at 11 PM, I will be out cold in about 30 seconds. But the to-do list is still there and it's just getting longer.
* I had my annual review at work yesterday. It was fine. Not stellar. Fine. My boss can't say anything marginally critical that I haven't thought five hundred thousand times about myself already. Because I am always my harshest critic. One thing that he's wanted me to do for some time now is get out there in the legal and health care community. Serve with some organization, get to know people, network, become involved. Which I'm willing to do, but, I think, when?
* Church responsibilities. I love being in the Young Women's. But there's always something to do. I want to do so much for the girls, but there are so many needs there that I know the calling has the capacity to suck everything out of me if I let it.
(Also, kind of unfair that all the time I spend with the girls at and outside of church and driving them around and going to activities and chaperoning dances and all of that doesn't count as getting out there in the community. I know they're not networking sources, but I feel like it should count somehow...)
* Could I get a free weekend? It's hard to explain to my extrovert husband, but I actually do enjoy holing up inside the house for an entire day sometimes and doing nothing. I also have an internal conflict because I DO like being social and I don't want to miss out on something fun. In addition to having a social life, we also have a lot of church responsibilities on the weekends (yes, Saturday AND Sunday). Every weekend lately we just go, go go. Always something to do, somewhere to go, someone to see. I've been exhausted on Sunday nights and then the week begins again.
* The house is a wreck. It just is. We manage to surface clean every so often, but we never, ever get down to the mass reorganization and dumping that needs to get done. It's been really wearing on me lately, and I've been nagging Jason about it a lot, because, frankly, a lot of the clutter is his. I know some of it is mine too and I don't want to be a constant nag. I feel mad and then I nag and then I feel sad for nagging. But then I feel mad again at the mess. When I do have time to sit and just be for a moment, I find it really hard to relax because there is ALWAYS something that needs to be done around the house. Not just dishes or dusting or sweeping, though heaven knows, that needs to get done too, but all the other projects that we've been saying we were going to do for 2 years. I find myself getting really infuriated with Jason when I know he stays up late until 3 or 4 in the morning, but doesn't use any of that time to do anything around the house. I know it's not fair because he needs time to decompress too.
* I worry about my parents. I know I don't vocalize it that much to them, or to a lot of people, and that my parents read this so I guess now they're aware of it. Not a day goes by when I don't think about them and wish I somehow had the capacity to fix their lives. I need someone to tell me where the line is. How do I stop feeling guilty about not giving them everything I have because I know if I do, I won't have anything for myself or my husband or our (hopefully) future family?
I'm just exhausted.
9 comments:
I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way. I hate feeling overwhelmed. I'm sending lots of good vibes your way. :)
Good for you for your raw honesty. I feel like a lot of times people's blogs are full of the perfectness of their lives and people aren't real. This was real! Don't you feel better after venting all that??
And I don't know if this is a desire of yours or not, but it was a thought I had. I know this is not the time to be job-searching and if you have a job you should just be thankful for the job you have, but maybe start putting your feelers out for a part time position?? I don't know what your situation is and if you have a desire for that, if you can get on Jason's health insurance, etc, but I have a friend who was giving her LIFE to a big firm in Birmingham and decided it was going to kill her. She was fortunate that the firm let her drop down to part time and just lose her health insurance and retirement, etc, but she was able to get on her husband's health ins. They ended up getting pregnant not too long after she dropped to part time (she says she's convinced it was because she was less stressed and had more time for herself and her home)and that worked better when she went back to work after she had the baby that she was only working part time. I know you work for a smaller firm and this may not be possible. But, my friend loved practicing law and didn't want to give it up entirely, and she was fortunate to find a perfect situation. You're no good to anyone burned out all the time! Especially with all the other committments and responsiblities you have! I will pray you will find a solution and that some of the madness of your life can be calmed!!
I agree with Jeni that you aren't being good to yourself with all of this stress! Maybe not just a day off but a week? Time to re-evaluate where your priorities are? Church, work, husbands-it all adds up. I can't really recommend what you should drop or even if you should drop something but it is something you should definitely take some time to think about. I hope that you come to sort of resolution and gain some peace in your life!
That's a lot of stuff! You definitely have a busy life, Kelly. You've been blessed with a great job, a loving husband, a sweet kitty and the ability to do so many things for others. Down time is essential to maintain sanity. Working Mon-Fri...I look forward to having my down time in which I do absolutely nothing. Do I feel bad about it? Yeah..sometimes...but that's normal.
Everything will be okay. God is good and will continue to take care of you and your family.
Love you lots!
Jeni, that's really why I wrote this post. I had everything rolling around in my head and I just needed to get it OUT. The good news is, I don't work at a sweatshop law firm. We've just been really busy and I'm trying to find a way to balance it all with everything else in my life. My firm is very concerned about us having a good work-life balance, but when there's a lot of work, sometimes the balance gets pushed aside for a short time. I really work at a great place and am happy to have a job. My boss and I talked about maybe needing to hire another attorney so that may be on the horizon. In the meantime, I cleaned my desk off on Friday and that made me feel a little more sane. :)
Ryann, we have a trip to Hawaii coming up and I plan to take advantage of as much rest time as I can.
Amy, I got a bit of downtime yesterday afternoon and evening, which was great. I know I need to make sure I get that on a regular basis.
Honey, you just said what most of the rest of us feel. (Well, not the cleaning part, since I live with the clean Nazi, which can be just as frustrating, believe me)
We just have to do our best and have faith that the Lord is going to pick up where we leave off. (Says the YW president before she leaves you to take care of everything in her absence)
Just remember that you cannot run or serve well on an empty tank, you have to take the time to fill it, and if you have to detach for a day or two in order to fill it up, then you should.
Oh Kelly, as much as it doesn't really help to hear other people say this: I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I actually had a meeting with my Bishop in late January where I was completely honest with him about my calling and told him I was getting burnt out. I felt bad saying it, but at the same time I didn't ask to be released; just expressed the truth about how I was feeling. A month later, I was released and nearly a month after that I am JUST NOW beginning to feel the decompression. It takes time even after quitting an activity (be it church related, work related, social related) to really feel *caught up* on the rest.
Maybe mark off a weekend that you don't currently have anything planned and say, "This weekend we're not planning anything." By doing that you ARE planning something; some down time. So you shouldn't feel bad about not going out, you're doing something you planned on doing and you can choose to do whatever you want in that time; at home.
Just a thought, because we all need down time.
Have you thought about getting a cleaning service to come in once a week? I did this, and it really helped with the stress level. If you look on Craigslist under "services" there are a lot of reasonably priced cleaning operations out there.
Anon, we actually have talked about it. The problem is, there's nowhere for them to clean. There's so much clutter and just stuff everywhere. We have to clean up and declutter before someone could come in and clean.
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