The Singles Ward

This originally started out as a comment to this post on Feminist Mormon Housewives, but then I kept writing and writing and figured I'd just post it here. I guess I have a lot to say about singles wards.

While I enjoyed my college years in the singles ward immensely, I actually think there are a few big flaws with singles wards (having been in them for almost 10 years now I've had some time to mull this over). Singles wards exist in the main for people who are 18-30 and are kind of a way station for people waiting to get married - or at least that's what it feels like. This engenders a few problems.

First, the rapid and sometimes very young marriages. Now I have nothing against either of those ideas really, since my mom was 19 when my parents got married, they were married 7 months after they met, and they're still together almost 31 years later (and they weren't even Mormon!). However, since the divorce rate in the church is pretty much the same as outside the church, I think those very fast and very young marriages can lead to problems, particularly if the marriages happen for the wrong reasons - such as being driven by hormones or by peer/leader pressure.

Even though this pressure to get married ASAP may be more concentrated in the singles ward, I really think it has more to do with church culture as a whole than simply with the singles wards. When you're surrounded by other singles, the issue is amplified, but single friends of mine who go to a family ward and aren't married still don't really feel like they have a place within this church where the family is so central. In fact, I found myself getting frustrated in my singles ward Relief Society a few weeks ago when the lesson was basically about being a good spouse. The teacher suggested we think about the list of qualities we want in our future husband. Um, I haven't really done the whole list thing since I was 20 or so, realizing that the odds are I'm not going to measure up to a list of perfect qualities, and neither is the man I fall in love with. Sure, there are a few things I would like, but drawing up a non-negotiable list just sets us all up for disappointment (This was also a favorite in-class activity of several of my Young Women's leaders).

The second flaw is that most singles wards kick people out once they turn 31. I am almost 30 and have many friends who have been booted from the singles wards. They suddenly find themselves removed from their friends, often surrounded by young couples with babies, and with a virtual big red "Failure" stamped on their heads. Some people I know never make it past this stage - they may stop going to church altogether. Others pop back into the singles ward every other week because they don't really know what to do with themselves and don't feel comfortable reaching out to the women in the Relief Societies who they don't seem to have a lot in common with on the surface. At least in the singles ward you have the basic underlying fact of being single to unite you. You understand each others struggles in this family-oriented church.

One thing I think the church as an entity could do to alleviate some of this alienation is by really working to have a place for these older (ie 31+) singles. When I lived in Chicago I went to a family ward for the first year I was there. A singles branch existed, but it was on the southside and it was more convenient to go to the family ward, especially for people dependent on public transportation. The YSA organization as a whole was thriving and we had inter- and intra-stake activities often. They had stake reps and the YSA organization was treated almost like another auxiliary. I hear vague reports of Single Adult reps, but I never get the impression that they flourish like they should considering there are so many singles in the church over 31.

However, if you don’t kick people out at 31 you run into the situation like the one in Cambridge, MA – no one gets kicked out of the singles ward, no matter how old. Many people go to the family wards on their own volition as they progress through their 30’s and into their 40’s, but there is no rule that they must leave. On the surface, this doesn't seem like much of a problem. I met some amazing 31+ people in those wards.

There were times, though, when I personally was just tired of the whole singles ward “thing.” The games, sometimes feeling too old for the silly activities and getting-to-know-you parties, wondering if a boy would ever notice me, wanting to be more involved with something that felt real rather than being the 37th person on the Activities or Welcoming Committees because without Primary, Young Women’s, Young Men’s, etc., you quickly run out of callings for a ward of over 150 people. I talked to other friends about this and voiced a desire to go to a family ward (at 27! Shocking!). However, the only problem is that if I went to a family ward, I wouldn’t be able to see my friends every week and would lose a lot of my social connections. Because no one is ever kicked out of the singles wards, very, very few singles actually go to the family wards. My friends and I could always try to make the extra effort, but when Sunday night dinners are arranged in Relief Society or at Munch and Mingle, and when during the week we’re all so busy with school and work and life, church is often the only feasible time to connect.

I don’t really have an answer, except for an idea to completely revamp the system. Frankly, I think singles wards should only be for people 24 and under – basically college age, if you put in time for a mission. I really enjoyed the singles ward when I was in college. It was like a training ground. I was in the Relief Society presidency, where we didn’t have any huge issues, but just enough for us to get our feet wet and show us how this whole church bureaucracy thing worked. To me, it seems like singles wards should be just that: training for the future. You learn how things work, and then you move on, without the stigma of being 31 and not married {GASP!}. And you have the ability to move on without the fear of losing your entire social life if you do because there are a bunch of singles in the family ward too, or of being thought of as the weirdo who left the singles ward before she turned 31.

In addition to restricting singles wards to just that college-age group, there needs to be more of an organization for singles. Each ward would have reps, maybe a couple older and a couple younger, who would meet with other ward reps, and plan activities, both at the ward and stake level. As far as I know, some of these things are already in place, but they're not being emphasized. Not that the church needs to go as far as saying, "Hooray! You're single!" But how about a little less emphasis on being married instantly right this second as soon as you start dating, and a little more emphasis on developing yourself and building friendships and camaraderie in the meantime, without the need to segregate us off into singles wards?

For example, in Chicago the ward singles met for FHE and other smaller activites, plus we had a singles Sunday School class. We'd do Break-the-Fast every month with the other singles in the stake. It’s very easy now to blow off some of the bigger activities if you’re in a singles ward because you already have a large social scene. When I was in Chicago, you could bet that the majority of the active singles in the stake showed up for those large activities because those were THE ONLY big activities and gave all of us a chance to branch outside our ward group.

If you divided all the singles in, for example, the Longfellow Park wards in Cambridge among the family wards in the stake, not only would each family ward have a fairly decent-sized singles group, but there would be a huge influx of dynamic energy into those wards. I had a friend in Chicago who worked in the Young Women’s group in the family ward and loved it. As a fun, successful, intelligent, and well-educated single woman she was an amazing role model to those girls, many of whom came from inner-city Chicago. She was a different (not better, just different) voice for the girls to hear from every Sunday.

Personally and selfishly, I love a lot of aspects of the singles ward, particularly my amazing experiences in Relief Society. And having a quiet chapel to reflect in during the Sacrament is lovely. Being surrounded by women like me in Relief Society and listening to and relating to their thoughts and experiences has taught me so much. However, I know I could learn a lot from people who aren’t just like me.

In Chicago, my visiting teaching companion was also a single woman, but she was 15 years older than me. We taught a Puerto Rican woman with two little boys who was going through a divorce and suffered from sickle-cell anemia. We taught a very wise and hilarious African-American woman living in a poor neighborhood with a 15 year-old son who adored her. We taught an upwardly mobile 27 year-old new mother whose husband worked for an investment firm in downtown Chicago. Every single one of those women were so different from each other and from me. But we all shared with each other and learned and grew from those interactions. We are all sisters in the Gospel, after all. Not that Chicago was some utopia for singles like I may be painting it as. I did eventually go to the singles branch, but I thought the family wards did a pretty good job with the small number of singles they had and made us feel not quite so left out in the midst of the family ward.

I don't see the church doing a major overhaul of the singles program anytime soon, but I think there need to be changes. The numbers of older singles keep increasing, and the current system seems to be resulting in alienation and disenchantment with the church as an entity (not the Gospel, but the church). Frankly, if my choices are going to be A) a lesson on the traits I want in my future husband, or B) a lesson on why the teacher's husband is great and how they communicate and love one another, seconded and thirded by the other women in the room, I think I'll pick option C) neither, and try to find a church where I don't often feel like my worth is wrapped up in my marital status.