I have a personality issue that I am gradually doing better with, but which does things like keep me from sleeping a couple of nights ago because I'm so keyed up with what's going on at work. I don't know if it's because I'm a Libra, or because I'm an INFJ, but I am a consummate peacemaker. My world feels good when things are in balance.
So having two people in my room have a tiff, with one of them threatening to report the other to the Bar (complete overreaction, in my mind) causes me some stress. Plus, despite all of my efforts to talk with them, smooth things over, and try to get some sort of resolution from the powers that be, one of them refused to be calmed and instead cut me off as I was trying to talk to her, snapped at me, and stormed off.
Then we have the guy who has a critical comment for every little thing I do. Almost every email I send, or any action I take spawns some sort of negative comment from him. It's not a direct criticism of me, per se, but more a comment on what is going on and how my actions could improve the situation, or implying that I'm not doing enough. He is the only person out of 65+ who does this. I think he gets some sort of glee from it. So I find myself dancing around hoping that someday he won't have something pissy to say.
Is that messed up, or what?
And I just realized how messed up it was after not sleeping because of fretting about the TWO people on this team who don't seem to like the job I'm doing. Never mind that everyone else is fine with me, and I've even received a few emails from people telling me what a good job I'm doing. Never mind that one of the firm's associates told a friend of mine how they all think I'm great. Never mind that the staffing agency thinks I'm doing a good job too. I just want to get those two people to think I'm doing a good job too.
Yesterday I decided that my official attitude to them is, Whatever. I mean, I'll still help them when they need it, and listen to any useful suggestions they might have, but I'm not doing my little "Love me! Love me!" dance anymore.
As one of my friends in my room pointed out to me this morning, the President considers a 60% approval rating to be great. He said I should just consider myself the president of the team and figure that I probably have at least a 60% approval rating, so things aren't half bad.
8 comments:
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." ~Bill Cosby
Julie, absolutely.
So, I'm all about either letting things go or doing something about them. I just read an interesting book by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema who talks about the dangers of replaying things in your head ad infinitum. Women deal with stress by internalizing, she says, while men deal with it by acting out. There are dangers and benefits to both styles, but her point was that women's over-thinking tries to solve every problem internally (which can make us crazy), instead of acting out and trying to change the situation in the world around us. That struck me as really interesting. Anyway:
http://www.cygnus-books.co.uk/mind_body_spirit_books/women_who_think.htm
JennM
Zamy, I know who you ar-are! Clever name though! Good luck with your weight loss.
Jenn, I think you know better than anyone how good I am at the internalizing game. I've been trying to let go a little more lately. Very hard.
I'm a Libra who is an INFJ too! And as a manager I FEEL the pain. After five years, it's still really difficult for me too.
The only bright side is that every time I've had to let someone go is that I have gotten so keyed up and stressed that I've lost weight.
However, most of the time I'm okay because I've had to learn the INVALUABLE lesson of boundaries when it comes to work and my personal life. Even when things are horrible at one of my jobs, I just have to put it all aside once I'm home. Otherwise, I won't be able to function. It still throws me off for the big things (like having to let someone go), but otherwise I can handle it. It did take time though, and I wish you the best of luck with everything!
Alright, help a brother out:
...INFJ?
Laura, no wonder I think you're hilarious. We think similarly. Boundaries are important. I've only ever had jobs where I was the minion, and now that I have a teensy bit of authority (whether real or imagined) I'm having to learn all new skills.
Eddie, it's one of the Myers-Briggs classifications of temperament. I think those sorts of tests are so interesting. You can take the test at www.keirsey.com
Having taught college classes for 4 years now, I learned a similar lesson. You have to accept that you can't teach everyone in your class. You can pretty much write off 1/3 of them. And in every class there will be students who don't like you. There is nothing you can do to prevent this, it says nothing about your value as a person nor for your skills. 2 out of more than 65 people is an exceptional ratio and you should be very very proud of yourself. I'm also trying to learn to accept praise more readily and stop obsessing over criticism. It is a necessary skill for happiness.
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